Wretched

Here’s my thought process over the last week:

I screwed up.  I listened to my conscience.  Instead of just going to the court and getting a default divorce and sending it to H-er because he hasn't done the parenting class or responded and let's be honest--because he is still sleeping with HER--I thought "that's blindsiding him.  That's deceitful.  I should tell him I have a court date."   

See he didn't really believe I was going to divorce him.  But now he believes and is starting to ask questions.  He might even get a lawyer. So the quick turnaround will come to a screeching halt and drag out and probably get expensive as I have to hire a lawyer. 

Joy! Joy! Joy!

In this moment listening to my conscience feels like I’m shooting myself in the foot.  It feels powerless.

All because I was thinking of the temple recommend question about honesty.   I was thinking that if I wasn’t honest and fair in my dealings with him that I wasn’t being a person of integrity.

And now I'm regretting it.  Even now I want to move the court date up.  I don't want him to contest my interpretation of "fair". What does that say about my character and my commitment to integrity?

What does that say about my faith in God to look out for me? I guess it's time for me to take a second look at my character.  This divorce might actually be the making of my character.

 

 

I read an article on lds.org about honesty and how we should look at honesty from God’s point of view.  (there’s no room for grey).

So here it is:

Honesty from Gods point of view. 

This is complete honesty.

I should tell him that I have a court date set and when and that if he doesn’t respond he has no say (even though it said that in the paperwork that was served on him). I should tell him I am asking for all the cash in our savings when he says it should be his.  I should tell him that I am asking for over 900 child support a month when he only wants to pay 300.

 

 

So I did it.  It was painful.   I spent the next three days crying and negotiating.  I’m getting the cash but I’m only getting $500 a month for child support.

(I’m suppressing the anger about that right now—he said he’d check himself into an insane asylum if I asked for 900 and I’d never see a penny, after breaking down how it would only cost me 300 a month to raise two teenage boys and so I should be grateful that he is now paying extra and telling me about how he doesn’t make ANYTHING when I have access to his ebay account and can see plain as day that in the last 90 days he’s sold over $17000 of stuff and has over 3000 items currently listed and in the last six month’s he’s sold over $36000 AND his former business partners pay him an additional 1000 a month as they are buying his stake in the company AND he has over $80,000 invested in other areas paying a return).

So I was honest.  Now I have to work on the anger – because if I’m angry that means I’m judging and condemning him and one of the other recommend questions is:   Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

3 Nephi 12:22-24

22 But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
 23 Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—
 24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.