Trigger Warning


TRIGGER WARNING: Many of my posts contain triggers as I fearlessly inventory my emotions.
Some of these are brutally honest as I veer from negative to positive.




Friday, January 13, 2017

Done

Warning:  This post talks about physical abuse and may be a trigger


Sometimes I just want to give up.
An Heritage #2 texted me over the holidays while he was with his dad. 

“I need help”

“With what?”
“this stupid addiction”

"What addiction is that?”

“pornography, it’s like every couple of weeks.  It didn’t worry me until I realized I couldn’t let it go.  I would go for like a month but it kept coming back.  I hate it and I thought I could get rid of it myself but I can’t and I need help and I’ve always been too scared to tell anyone”. 

And later in our conversation:
“I was so scared I would have it until I was married and would ruin my relationship and I would never be worthy of a mission.  Can I still go on a mission?”

This conversation covers so many of Satan’s lies:
It’s not that often so don’t worry
You can stop anytime
You can do it by yourself
Be very afraid
You are alone
It’s too late
 
I also noticed something with both of my sons.  They both assumed they had an addiction AND their experience with addiction has been the extreme version of their father’s.  As I was talking with him via text I recalled Elder Oak’s talk Recovering from the Trap of Pornography and felt impressed that I needed to cover it with my boys.

So this last family home evening we took turns reading from it and applying it to themselves.  I hope they came away with the understanding that they are not at the level where it is an “irresistible compulsion” that “takes priority over almost everything else in life”.   That they have not in fact lost agency or the capacity to recover and repent.

And we are going to do some journaling.  They don’t have to share it with me.  I want them to write about what has led up to their viewing of pornography.  I want them to consider the emotions, location, time, and what was happening around them.  Were they curious, sad, lonely, hurt, bored, hungry, tired, up past bedtime, was it the weekend, did they just have a fight with someone, etc.  Are there any patterns?  Because once they have identified these patterns and triggers, then they can-with the help of the Lord-realize his promise in Ether 12:27 “then I will make weak things become strong unto them”.

So that’s the goal. 

Is that why I want to give up? 

No.

It’s that PLUS the fact that my daughter is in an abusive relationship.  She texted me on New Years Eve and I was horrified as she detailed how he punched her and another time he told her he was going to kill her and yet another time he put a pillow over her face and tried to suffocate her.  And then she told me that it was her fault because she had pushed him to it because she was so mean and demanding.  That she has been praying that it will work out because she just knows she is supposed to be with him because he loves her and only wants to do good things in the world with his hands.  (I feel like vomiting as I type this) And though they are officially “broken up now” apparently she spends time with him still because yesterday she said she needed to talk to me but was afraid and then finally said he had been driving her car and was punching her at the same time so that she opened the door and jumped out of the moving car.  Then later still she minimized it while I stared at the bruises and the huge welt underneath them causing her skin to bulge.   But apparently I handled it well (didn’t freak out) so she decided to show me the tattoo she got as well. 

Is that why I want to give up?

Well we’re getting closer.

Because on top of that, the guy that I’ve been seeing, who is supportive and treats me well and wonderful and that all signs were pointing to – including in the temple – apparently he has gender identity issues.  And that’s the white-washed, shortened, tacked on as an afterthought version. 

So it’s all of that.  Like I was in an abusive adulterous relationship for 20 years and finally was given the green light to leave for better things and I’m like ???????

Somewhere, someone is laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

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