Impatient

 "You have a lot of patience."

I've heard this in various forms for several years now.  I'm slightly taken back every time I hear it.  Because I don't feel patient.  In fact, two years ago, I set a goal to cultivate patience.  I wrote it on notes and stuck it everywhere so I would have visual reminders of this goal. 

These last few weeks I've felt particularly impatient.  Impatient with COVID.  Impatient with my love life.  Impatient with my career.  Impatient with my goals.  I want things the way I want them and I want them now. 

I'm impatient with the Lord's timing.  Which is stupid really.  If I trust Him, then I need to trust His timing too.  

When I act on my impatience, REALLY bad things happen.   I've learned THAT at least, so I've stopped acting on it.  It doesn't make the feeling go away though.  The impatience still eats at me. 

So today, instead of acting on it, I have taken a moment to just write about it and acknowledge my infernal impatience.  

                

                                                

Rage

 This morning I had a session with my trauma therapist.  Something triggered me on Sunday (I’m still not sure what it was) and it’s been a rough few days.  But as I worked through things with her, it got to a point where I felt pure rage. (Those words don’t really go together if you think about it). 

It’s been a reeaaalllly long time since I’ve felt such rage. 

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As we talked about what I was feeling in my body the words “giving up” came out, and with them a lot of emotion welled up.  For so long, I fought for my marriage. I fought the addiction.   I fought the addict.   

It’s okay to give up the fight.  I don’t want to ever fight to keep an addict again.  There are better things to fight for.   Like myself.