I met my husband through my sister who was visiting me at BYU. The night I met him he shared a picture of his one year old son and told me his divorce had been final for a month. When he asked for my phone number he didn't write it down, so I figured he wasn't really interested in calling me. I was surprised when he called me a week later to ask me out. If he hadn't made me laugh several times on the phone I probably wouldn't have said yes. But I did.
On our second date he told me he cheated on his first wife. In my naiveté, I believed him when he said he had learned his lesson. A few months later we had sex for the first time and in the morning I called my mom and begged her to get me a flight home and to not ask any questions.
Though I worked with my bishop to repent, he advised me to run because I was in over my head dating a man who had been married previously. It was too late though. I wanted to marry him.
We continued to date for the next year and a half and during that time he had a list of women that he juggled, including me. When he called to tell me he'd gotten someone pregnant I still stayed. And then I got pregnant.
Almost two years to the day we met, we got married in my parents house. No one was for the marriage. His family did not attend our wedding. 30 minutes before the wedding my mother pulled me aside and told me that it wasn't too late. I had only allowed myself two weeks to plan the wedding because I didn't dare leave him alone for longer than that.
So I went into this marriage knowing who he was but thinking marriage would solve everything.
It didn't.
He cheated on me within months. I was aware of his withdrawal and began a desperate attempt to connect with him. And then he became violent. The first time he hit me I was shocked. Eventually I called the police and we started attending counseling. In the meantime, I was doing everything I could to try to control his pornography addiction. I would confiscate the computer mouse, print out copies of things he'd looked at and post it on the door (as if I could shame him into sobriety), withhold sex, the standard list that every spouse could write. I read self help books and relationship books as if it was a communication problem. I changed the way I dressed and acted as if I could somehow meet his needs. And I gave up on my standards and joined him in a lifestyle that meant I lost my temple recommend.
But eventually I realized I wasn't happy. So I repented and things seemed to get a little better because of our counseling. We decided to have another baby. And then he cheated on me again and he became violent again. So when he left the state to attend UNL for his PhD I stayed in Utah.
I got a blessing that told me if we read scriptures and prayed everyday I would see miracles. So even though he was 1000 miles away we did this until one day he confessed what he had told no one since that day as a child when he told his mother and she called him a liar. He had been molested. Our counselor was ecstatic - because "now we could finally do some real work". On the strength of his optimism and my husband's promises to seek help, I moved to Nebraska.
For a short time things seemed to be looking up. I was taken by surprise by my next pregnancy but welcomed another boy. We began seeing a counselor at UNL who was the first to suggest that he might be a sex addict. She recommended Sexaholics Anonymous. I threw myself in head first and found friendship and boundaries. And then the addiction grabbed H-er in a tight grip. Pornography, lies, gambling, overspending, and more physical abuse--it was a nightmare. But it finally came to a head and he decided to go to the bishop and confess everything.
He was excommunicated two days before my mother died of cancer. And my family had no idea. That was the most horrific week of my life and yet I survived it.
Because of the pornography, H-er was not invited to return to school. Instead he applied for and was offered work in Arizona. I was working through a program by Doug Weiss with some of the ladies in S-Anon and finding a measure of sobriety. We left Nebraska and I held hope that Arizona would bring some positive changes.
Again, it seemed that it might. H-er started going to church and was doing well at work. But then he started going to happy hour with co-workers and before I knew it he didn't come home and wouldn't answer his phone. He stopped going to church and lost his job. At that point I realized I had to enter the work force because he was back to his pornography binging. It was a dark day for me as I set aside my dreams of motherhood and left the home with the understanding that this would be a long term career decision rather than a temporary decision. I could no longer trust my spouse to provide for our family.
The Lord was truly looking out for me as I found employment the same day I began looking, and His hand in my job has always been evident. As I continued to be blessed at work, and at church, H-er continued to spiral down in his addictions. He went through several positions (lost a job due to pornography use, lost another because of a woman, lost another because of sexual harassment claims) and eventually I kicked him out and he went to Utah to do insurance sales with a friend.
I struggled with the decision to file for a divorce and eventually I filed for a legal separation. He went to a counselor with me and swore he would do whatever it took to save our marriage. I canceled the separation proceedings and put my trust and faith in him. A month later I caught him without his ring on and I went insane. I took my ring off and pledged to hurt him as badly as he had hurt me.
This was the lowest point in my life. I allowed anger to control me and nearly destroy me. This was when a wonderful Bishop referred me to a trauma counselor. It took six months for me to even feel sorrowful for what I had done, but eventually I found peace and forgiveness through the Atonement.
Unfortunately for H-er, he could not break his addiction. We lost our house, he lost his employment and friend, and our marriage seemed to be over. I was so afraid of being a failure and alone that in desperation I gave him one last chance. He broke things off with his mistress and came back to Arizona with the understanding that we would not have sexual relations for a year which we would spend working on other areas of our marriage and rebuilding trust.
The year was soon reduced to six months and then he negotiated a further reprieve. I found myself crying in the shower afterwards and soon found the resentment and contempt rising. I hated coming home from work each day. It reached a point where I couldn't wait for his short trips to Utah because it represented freedom from the abuse of his addiction.
In February of 2015, he took a longer trip and I began to read the signs again. The verbal abuse and threats started again. He began raging at the kids. In desperation I begged him to hear me and he listened. He cried and said he finally heard me and then the next weekend proceeded to take a gift I had given him and use it for his addiction.
In May, his affair was confirmed and I realized I had reached a breaking point. I began looking into a divorce but knew I couldn't proceed in anger. I took my time praying, counseling with the Bishop, my counselor, my father, going to the temple, and attending ARP. In September, I finally filed. But I still didn't rush things. Perhaps I was hoping that this would finally motivate him to change. He was adamant in his wish to work things out and promised to do anything if I would just take him back.
There was no sense of urgency around the divorce as his father passed away, I worked the fourth step, and the holidays approached. I knew I didn't want to stay married yet I couldn't bring myself to push the divorce through.
When he came for Christmas it was discovered that he was still seeing this woman despite all his assurances of fidelity. In the meantime, I had finished my fourth step and the anger I had been feeling was greatly diminished. I began to feel peace and resolve regarding my decision to pursue a divorce.
I didn't know what the future holds, but I moved forward knowing that I was in God's hands. I began this blog as a way to hold anger at bay and allow me to forgive him as I knew I was required to do. I found that some of my trauma transferred to my children and through self-reflection and prayer I learned to set more boundaries around my own behavior.
As I began to feel again, I noticed others around me and began to find joy in serving others and the world became a sweeter place. I no longer wished to fade away and die at 50 years old when my children were officially adults and capable of taking care of themselves. Eventually, I realized the gift of healing and forgiveness and sat in the temple feeling buoyed by the lightness that came with these gifts. I am no longer just surviving. I am living and thriving. Praise be to God.
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