Violated

I wrote this while traveling last week:

H-er is staying at my home with my kids while I am in Europe. When I got back to our hotel last night there were 16 missed calls from him on the app I use to communicate with my kids. So I called him.

As a precaution, I had put some things in my car that I didn't want him to see and locked my car. Well he had gotten in my car and read them and was upset and used language like "I have a right to know".

*****

I read Conscious Uncoupling last week on the plane because my sister who just got divorced from a husband addicted to pornography had read it and wanted someone to discuss it with. In it, the author talks about blame and that even if your spouse is 97% of the problem you still had 3% and if you don't acknowledge that part you will just take it into future relationships.

So I've spent part of this trip thinking about how I contributed to negative cycles in my marriage (not to absolve him of the things he did but because I need to acknowledge my contribution). One of the things I realized is that I kept a part of my heart to myself.  It wasn’t safe to completely give my heart to him.  And while it is harmful to the relationship to withhold part of yourself from your spouse, it is still my choice. 

This morning as I looked at why I was angry at H-er for reading what is written I realized that underneath the anger I felt violated. I'd written those things in an attempt to explore my feelings and work through uncertainties and insecurities. I didn't want him to see those intimate thoughts. I didn't choose to share them with him. He took them without asking. And then on top of that he chose to make accusations and didn't acknowledge that some of those thoughts were about the first time he hit me and gave me a bloody nose and how it felt emotionally. And he did it all believing it is his "right".

I want him to stop taking things from me that I don't choose to give him.