Defeated

Mom can I talk to you? 

I've gone to bed already and he's sitting on the end of my bed in the dark.  

Sure.  What's up?

He puts his head down in his head and I can feel the bed tremble as he shakes. 

I need to tell you...

He pauses and the bed shakes some more.  

I think...this is so hard to say....

I reach out and take his hand in mine and wait while my mind dreads what is about to come out. 

I think...I think I am addicted to pornography. 

He is 12. 

So we talk about it and what his options are and what things we can do.  We talk about his triggers and appropriate activities and how to face feelings instead of running from them. We talk about safety measures. I have all the answers because 20 years with a porn addict have been an education. I reassure him of my love and that he is not shameful and that he has a support system and I am on his team as is the Lord.  I tell him it's good that he is asking for help now before he's had years to live out the shame cycle. 

I want a family some day he says (he knows what porn has done to ours). 

I give him a hug and tell him that it is a brave and good thing he has done sharing this with me.   We say a prayer together asking for God's help in this fight and to turn weaknesses into strengths. 

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest he says and I can tell he feels lighter. 

I'm going to go read Elder Nelson's talk now because I could sure use some joy in my life right about now

Wounded

The First Visitation

So even though I’ve been divorced since the end of January, I haven’t had to deal with visitation due to H-er’s panic attacks.  But eventually he got his head on straight and was ready to commit to being a parent.  So I drove to the half way point (5 hours) on Oct 1.   Well really we went the night before and stayed at my sister’s.  But I told H-er he could come get them on Saturday as early as he wanted. 

H-er doesn’t get up before 11am.   He left around 2pm (gained an hour).  He wanted to know if I could meet him directly off of the freeway rather than at my sister’s house.  I figured I’d be accommodating. I was curious how he would handle the drive down alone.  I was usually the one who went to get An Heritage #1 because he said he didn’t like to have to face his ex.  If he did go then one of the kids had to go with him because he just couldn’t be alone.  There was one time our stake was having a special fireside for women and a guy in the ward finally offered to drive with him so that I could go to the meeting with his wife. 

So they arrived and we met in the Lowe’s parking lot.  I had a trunk full of his stuff and it clearly flustered him.  He piled it all in the back of his car and at one point I asked if I could repack it for me (I hate wasted space and it was blocking his view out the back).  He didn’t respond and I forced myself to stay silent because I’m not married to him and if he wants to have stuff shifting around then that’s his problem.

Then I hugged the boys and they drove off.  Immediately I teared up.  I cried off and on back to my sister’s house (30 minute drive) and on the way I got a text from An Heritage #3. “we are meeting Jolene or however you spell it”.  (meaning they were picking her up wherever H-her had stashed her on the way down).

Jolene is the woman he was having an affair with.  The woman he described as psycho who slept with his friends as well.  The woman that another woman tried to warn him about – to stay far away from her--who apparently isn’t divorced from her husband yet but was engaged to someone else (while she was married) who died.   The woman who messaged my daughter on facebook – that’s how I found out about her--who called me (while we were still married) to apologize and asked if we could go to coffee sometime (when H-er broke up with her the first time).  She sounds like a gem doesn’t she?

H-er had told me that he finally broke it off with her and was dating other people.  I thought she was in the rear-view mirror.  Apparently not.  And now my boys get to be a part of her life.  Since I was at my sister’s I was able to distract myself from the trauma of it all until bedtime.  Then once I went to bed and it was quiet I broke down and just sobbed. 

Heartbroken

I'm not dating anyone she says. 

But she is spending almost every night somewhere else. 

She is doing well in school.  She was friends with people who work the 12 steps. She had a boyfriend who was a college graduate and had a job and was making a life plan. We'd all met him and he was welcome anytime. But he treated her too nice.  He wasn't enough drama.  There just wasn't anything there. 

Can we talk she asks. 

They weren't friends last time.  It's different this time because they are building a friendship first. He makes her laugh (except last weekend when he sent her a picture of his old girlfriend and it made her cry because she felt ugly and not good enough). He made her soup when she threw up.  There's just something about him.  She doesn't know what.  She knows he's not good for her but it just feels so right.   Maybe he hated her and treated her badly because she was too clingy and afraid to lose him.  This time he won't try to physically or emotionally harm her. 

She's prayed about it and she doesn't know why she was supposed to meet him.  He says when she is around he doesn't do drugs as much.  Maybe she can help him because she understands him now.  Maybe someday it will be okay for us to meet him. 

Don't tell dad she says. 

Oh and marijuana isn't harmful for you. It shouldn't have to be prescribed and administered under the care of a doctor because - well if I had tried it I would know what she was talking about.  Besides she doesn't take it to escape so it won't become an addiction.  And it's not a gateway drug for her because she already knows she wouldn't like anything else and would react bad to it. 

Don't worry about me she says. Don't cry yourself to sleep she says. 

I just give her a sad smile.