Disappointed

Thanksgiving.  Another drop off for visitation.  This time Jolene wasn't dropped off at a gas station to wait (this is really her name and not a play on words.  But really, how cliche is it that the woman H-er cheated with is named Jolene?).  After the boys climbed in the car and the suitcase was loaded in the back, H-er mumbled an apology.  “I’m sorry Jolene was in the car.  I know that is probably awkward.  I know it would be for me.  I wouldn’t like it.”

And I made a split decision.  I decided it wouldn’t be awkward for me.   So I marched right up to the window, knocked on it and after she rolled the window down I said, “Hi.  Nice to meet you.”  She said hi back and thanked me for mailing her stuff back to her.  “No problem."  (Big Smile) "Have a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Was I thrilled that I have to meet the woman he cheated with?  No.  Am I thrilled that my boys get to spend Thanksgiving with the woman he cheated with? No.  But apparently she is going to be in my life forever now so I better just deal with it. 

I even mentioned to H-er that they boys had asked if we would ever all spend a holiday together again and that it would be nice if someday relations were such that we could spend a holiday together for the sake of the boys and Jolene could come too.  Yes I nearly gagged as I said it, but I still said it. (It won't be this Christmas.)

I did pretty well over the weekend.  I was with family so that helped.  When my sisters asked me how I was doing I talked about the grief I feel (and we cried and then laughed at ourselves because we had all JUST applied our eye makeup).

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Sunday night I picked them up and as we drove the five hours home I learned that she is really nice and fun and “modern” so they get along with her (unlike the “old” guy I’m dating – who expects them to help out around the house, do chores, pick up after themselves, etc., and who was “forced on them”). She loaded them up with Takis (the treat I always buy them), listens to music with them, sends them birthday gifts—in short—they like her.  And they don’t like the guy I’m dating. 

So to be honest I am struggling with the fact that I should be glad she is nice to my boys, yet I am not because I'm jealous.  If it was any other woman I think I’d be okay with it.  But it’s the woman he cheated with.  

Why should she get to contribute to the break up of my marriage and be rewarded with MY boys good will, yet a guy who treats me well and who had nothing to do with my divorce gets resentment and disrespect?  For a brief minute there is a flash of anger which means there is a mess of painful feelings hammering me that I'd rather not face:  jealousy, betrayal, disappointment (that they don’t like the guy I’m dating and they like the one he is dating), loss, even shame for feeling negative emotions.  

Just acknowledging them dissolves the anger.  It's painful.  But as my sister said when I told them sometimes I just had to cry and allow myself to grieve:  "Hey, at least now you know you aren't a psychopath".

JOY

My last three posts have been building to an important lesson for me. They've reflected some pretty heartrending painful moments that all happened in an 8 day period.  In fact at first reading it seems incredibly depressing. However...

This last Sunday in Sunday school we discussed the pivotal moment of the Book of Mormon.  The Savior's appearance to the American continent.  Our teacher started by asking for personal stories of the power of 3 Nephi Chapter 11 in anyone's lives. There were those who shared stories from their missions of investigators who were converted after reading that chapter. 

For me it recalled to mind when I was just 13 and one Sunday after church I decided to read 3 Nephi.  As I came to that chapter I was overwhelmed by the confirmation of the spirit that every word I was reading was true.  That it had really happened. And so my testimony of both the Book of Mormon and the appearance of the Savior to the America's was cemented. 

She later asked 

"When they heard 'this is my beloved son'" how did the Nephites and Lamanites react?"  

In my mind I imagine them dropping to their knees because that would be my first instinct. 

And that makes me think of true prayer -- on my knees and actually listening for an answer. 

Still later she asked,  "Why would He choose to keep the marks and then invite everyone to come and feel for themselves? Why would this be important for the people at the temple?" 

Everyone began to discuss how this would be proof for the people etc., and I heard a quiet voice whisper of the symbolism in this moment:  The Savior stands before me inviting me to "Come unto Him" and feel for myself.   Not the wounds but the truth and certainly of His promises.  And that same overwhelming confirmation filled me and my eyes filled with tears of gratitude for what that means for me. 

But the spirit was not done with me yet. 

In Relief Society, I was conducting and I beamed at the sisters as I shared the announcements and made them laugh. I then introduced our two guest speakers from the stake.  They were ARP facilitators. One of the sisters wanted to talk to us about the Savior and how the atonement is about having joy. She shared a truly horrific experience that happened to her which ripped every aspect of her life apart and led to an addiction which further damaged her life. And then she asked if it was possible to have joy while going through all of this.  She testified that it was possible--that she found joy even in the horrible mess of her life. 

And three things came to my mind in succession:

1.  When I was set apart just two months ago I was told to let my joy shine out for all the sisters to see.  

2.  And then, the night after I sobbed myself to sleep on my sister's couch the first two conference talks are about happiness (Monson) and joy (Nelson). 

3.  And here was an ARP sister reminding me that I can feel joy again when for so long I couldn't. 

And because I was conducting that Sunday I got to close and after thanking them for sharing their experiences with us I shared mine.  I said "I was married to an addict and turned to anger in order to avoid the pain of betrayal, disillusionment, hurt, etc.   But when you numb the painful feelings you also numb the beautiful feelings.  I didn't feel anything but anger for a long time. it wasn't until I worked the ARP program and with the Savior by my side I faced those painful feelings and now I can stand before you and tell you about the joy I feel."

Now I'm always looking for the joy--because I can. 

When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives.

--Russell M Nelson