Disappointed

Thanksgiving.  Another drop off for visitation.  This time Jolene wasn't dropped off at a gas station to wait (this is really her name and not a play on words.  But really, how cliche is it that the woman H-er cheated with is named Jolene?).  After the boys climbed in the car and the suitcase was loaded in the back, H-er mumbled an apology.  “I’m sorry Jolene was in the car.  I know that is probably awkward.  I know it would be for me.  I wouldn’t like it.”

And I made a split decision.  I decided it wouldn’t be awkward for me.   So I marched right up to the window, knocked on it and after she rolled the window down I said, “Hi.  Nice to meet you.”  She said hi back and thanked me for mailing her stuff back to her.  “No problem."  (Big Smile) "Have a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Was I thrilled that I have to meet the woman he cheated with?  No.  Am I thrilled that my boys get to spend Thanksgiving with the woman he cheated with? No.  But apparently she is going to be in my life forever now so I better just deal with it. 

I even mentioned to H-er that they boys had asked if we would ever all spend a holiday together again and that it would be nice if someday relations were such that we could spend a holiday together for the sake of the boys and Jolene could come too.  Yes I nearly gagged as I said it, but I still said it. (It won't be this Christmas.)

I did pretty well over the weekend.  I was with family so that helped.  When my sisters asked me how I was doing I talked about the grief I feel (and we cried and then laughed at ourselves because we had all JUST applied our eye makeup).

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Sunday night I picked them up and as we drove the five hours home I learned that she is really nice and fun and “modern” so they get along with her (unlike the “old” guy I’m dating – who expects them to help out around the house, do chores, pick up after themselves, etc., and who was “forced on them”). She loaded them up with Takis (the treat I always buy them), listens to music with them, sends them birthday gifts—in short—they like her.  And they don’t like the guy I’m dating. 

So to be honest I am struggling with the fact that I should be glad she is nice to my boys, yet I am not because I'm jealous.  If it was any other woman I think I’d be okay with it.  But it’s the woman he cheated with.  

Why should she get to contribute to the break up of my marriage and be rewarded with MY boys good will, yet a guy who treats me well and who had nothing to do with my divorce gets resentment and disrespect?  For a brief minute there is a flash of anger which means there is a mess of painful feelings hammering me that I'd rather not face:  jealousy, betrayal, disappointment (that they don’t like the guy I’m dating and they like the one he is dating), loss, even shame for feeling negative emotions.  

Just acknowledging them dissolves the anger.  It's painful.  But as my sister said when I told them sometimes I just had to cry and allow myself to grieve:  "Hey, at least now you know you aren't a psychopath".