Warning: This post talks about physical abuse and may be a trigger
Sometimes I just want to give up.
An Heritage #2 texted me over the holidays while he was with
his dad.
“I need help”
“With what?”
“this stupid addiction”
"What addiction is that?”
“pornography, it’s like
every couple of weeks. It didn’t worry
me until I realized I couldn’t let it go.
I would go for like a month but it kept coming back. I hate it and I thought I could get rid of it
myself but I can’t and I need help and I’ve always been too scared to tell
anyone”.
And later in our conversation:
“I was so scared I
would have it until I was married and would ruin my relationship and I would
never be worthy of a mission. Can I
still go on a mission?”
This conversation covers so many of Satan’s lies:
It’s not that often so don’t worry
You can stop anytime
You can do it by yourself
Be very afraid
You are alone
It’s too late
I also noticed something with both of my sons. They both assumed they had an addiction AND
their experience with addiction has been the extreme version of their father’s. As I was talking with him via text I recalled
Elder Oak’s talk Recovering from the Trap of Pornography and felt impressed
that I needed to cover it with my boys.
So this last family home evening we took turns reading from it and
applying it to themselves. I hope they
came away with the understanding that they are not at the level where it is an “irresistible
compulsion” that “takes priority over almost everything else in life”. That they have not in fact lost agency or
the capacity to recover and repent.
And we are going to do some journaling.
They don’t have to share it with me.
I want them to write about what has led up to their viewing of
pornography. I want them to consider the
emotions, location, time, and what was happening around them. Were they curious, sad, lonely, hurt, bored, hungry,
tired, up past bedtime, was it the weekend, did they just have a fight with
someone, etc. Are there any patterns? Because once they have identified these
patterns and triggers, then they can-with the help of the Lord-realize his
promise in Ether 12:27 “then I will make weak things become strong unto them”.
So that’s the goal.
Is that why I want to give up?
No.
It’s that PLUS the fact that my daughter is in an abusive
relationship. She texted me on New Years
Eve and I was horrified as she detailed how he punched her and another time he
told her he was going to kill her and yet another time he put a pillow over her
face and tried to suffocate her. And
then she told me that it was her fault because she had pushed him to it because
she was so mean and demanding. That she
has been praying that it will work out because she just knows she is supposed
to be with him because he loves her and only wants to do good things in the
world with his hands. (I feel like
vomiting as I type this) And though they are officially “broken up now”
apparently she spends time with him still because yesterday she said she needed
to talk to me but was afraid and then finally said he had been driving her car
and was punching her at the same time so that she opened the door and jumped
out of the moving car. Then later still
she minimized it while I stared at the bruises and the huge welt underneath
them causing her skin to bulge. But apparently I handled it well (didn’t freak
out) so she decided to show me the tattoo she got as well.
Is that why I want to give up?
Well we’re getting closer.
Because on top of that, the guy that I’ve been seeing, who is
supportive and treats me well and wonderful and that all signs were pointing to
– including in the temple – apparently he has gender identity issues. And that’s the white-washed, shortened, tacked on as an afterthought version.
So it’s all of that. Like I was
in an abusive adulterous relationship for 20 years and finally was given the
green light to leave for better things and I’m like ???????
Somewhere, someone is laughing.
