Chastened

“I wish there was a flashing neon sign with the answer!”.

I used to say this all the time about answers to prayers.  I felt like my answers were always so subtle and hard to hear and I just could never have confidence that I received answers. 

Friday I was feeling pretty low.  As I journaled I wrote that I wanted to ask to be released from my calling (I have been struggling about what I will teach at the beginning of February in Relief Society).  I just was not feeling up to the task of standing in front of the Relief Society and assuring them of anything since I was hurting and doubting so much.   Let me quote from what I wrote:

I’m supposed to stand in front of them and say “God is at the helm.  Everything has a purpose and works for our good.  Blah blah blah”… I’d rather sit in the back and be silent. I can’t testify of hope.  Not with any sincerity.

I actually use quotations in my journaling.  It’s a quirk of mine.

About two hours after writing that  I received a text from one of our teachers asking if I could fill in for her this Sunday as she was not feeling well.  I said yes and figured I’d better do an initial quick read through of the lesson so it would be in the back of my mind until I had time to really prepare.  So I’m reading along in Chapter 2 of the Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley and come to this paragraph:

We have nothing to fear.  God is at the helm.  He will overrule for the good of his work…Of His ability to keep that promise none of us can doubt.

Flashing neon sign anyone?

Of course I shared this story in Relief Society on Sunday and immediately after I used a magnet to put the words “God is at the helm!” up on the chalkboard.  Even if no one else was supposed to hear it, I was.