Snuffed

This is not going to be a particularly hopeful post 

I was thinking back to the few months after my divorce. Particularly standing in my bathroom and my ex saying that he didn’t recognize me and that I had never been so attractive. 

in that time and place I was happy, at peace, learning new things, making new friends, working through my anger, learning to forgive, and glowing. I truly felt full of light. 

I’m not that person anymore. Somewhere along the way I detoured. I attracted a man who was inappropriate for me in every way and ended up in a bishops court where I was actually shown unbelievable mercy. 

I had a chance to course correct. 

But Pandora’s box was opened.  

In moments of reflection I feel angry and want to blame my ex husband. Because I shouldn’t be in this situation. I should be safely married where I can express affection and intimacy in the only way acceptable to God.  

But in reality I can’t blame him for my inability to live with integrity.  

The light in me is dimming. 

Peculiar

An Heritage #3 got a job for the summer which naturally messes with out of state visitation.  I’ve already established that I don’t do things the socially or even culturally accepted way.  So why start now?  I asked H-er to come spend four weeks with us (with the understanding that we would not be in a relationship and I would not adjust my life in any way to accommodate him). 

He accepted and so for the last couple of weeks, my ex-husband has been living in the spare room in my house.  He has also been going on frequent dates as he tries to find a girlfriend here in Arizona as part if a plan to move down here and be in his children’s lives.  It hasn’t quite gone the way he wanted, and I’ve actually enjoyed teasing him about it a little.  (“why do the women down here ghost me?” and I respond, “well if you wouldn’t put out on the first date….”)

A week ago, he invited me to come to dinner with him and the boys.  I tagged along and mostly was silent listening to them debate about politics for 45 minutes.  When we got home I could sense his anxiety over the conversation (An Heritage #4 didn’t agree with his politics) and suggested a walk around the neighborhood.  An Heritage #4 followed us and eventually we all sat on a bench, and as his parents we took turns asking him questions (what’s your favorite color, who is your best friend, etc).  For 30 minutes he was the center of attention from both of his parents (literally as he sat between us).

True to my warning I have kept to my normal routine and left him to his own devices.

I came home from Yoga last night to find him sitting on the curb in front of the house talking on the phone.  I sat down next to him and he finished his phone call and then he began to tell me about the disaster that is his life – particularly with women. Some of them are having a hard time with the idea that he is staying at his ex-wife’s house. (there’s a host of other issues too that he enumerated).   And then he asked if he could smoke while he talked to me. 

The interesting thing is that he has smoked since day one of our relationship.  But he always did his best to hide it from me.  In 24 years, I had never witnessed him smoking.  Last night I did. 

I also didn’t feel a single drop of attraction to him. 

It’s just interesting that for the first time in his life he is hiding nothing from me.   What a strange place to be.