Snuffed

This is not going to be a particularly hopeful post 

I was thinking back to the few months after my divorce. Particularly standing in my bathroom and my ex saying that he didn’t recognize me and that I had never been so attractive. 

in that time and place I was happy, at peace, learning new things, making new friends, working through my anger, learning to forgive, and glowing. I truly felt full of light. 

I’m not that person anymore. Somewhere along the way I detoured. I attracted a man who was inappropriate for me in every way and ended up in a bishops court where I was actually shown unbelievable mercy. 

I had a chance to course correct. 

But Pandora’s box was opened.  

In moments of reflection I feel angry and want to blame my ex husband. Because I shouldn’t be in this situation. I should be safely married where I can express affection and intimacy in the only way acceptable to God.  

But in reality I can’t blame him for my inability to live with integrity.  

The light in me is dimming.