Enough

I have been rejected by two men in the last couple of months.  I’ve known them for a while and invested quite a bit of myself into our friendships.  I didn’t take either rejection very well.   As I was struggling to get out of my pity party, I reached out to the Relief Society President to ask if there were any women I could provide some service for.   She suggested that I come to our activity the next day which would feature a counselor who would talk to us about “not being enough”. 

I decided to go. 

The counselor asked us to think for a minute and identify the phrase that we tell ourselves.   She gave an example, on her way over she had gone the wrong direction and when she finally realized she was halfway across town and going to be late, and she immediately started the internal dialogue “I’m such a mess”. 

It wasn’t hard for me to identify my phrase.   I’ve been bullying myself with it since these rejections.  She then asked us to identify WHO was really saying it.  And as I thought about it, I came to a STUNNING realization.  This phrase was something my ex-husband had said to me over the years.  It’s a horribly abusive phrase and while the words are different, it’s ultimate meaning is “you are not enough and you never will be to anyone”. 

It’s horrifying to realize how much I have internalized this idea and accepted it.  So I’m starting the process of changing this self perception.  Abuse SUCKS.