Dread

"When I come home on Friday I get to stay there right?"   That question fills me with dread.  

 

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I've filed for divorce and he's been gone for three weeks to Utah to take care of business with his ailing father. I served him the night before he left.  

While he's been gone he went to a few meetings and looked up some articles.  He mentioned that he was seeing a common theme, that recovery included a healthy sexual relationship.  He thought after 30 to 90 days we should start easing into a healthy sexual relationship. 

One of the best things about being a few states away is he can't see my eye roll.  Or the face palm. He just doesn't get that I am divorcing him. 

Since he seemed open to articles I shared this one with him.  http://www.mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2015/02/supportingresponding-to-spouse-husband.html?m=1

Surprisingly his response was. "I can do that". 

"How long do you think you've had this problem?" I ask.  

"I would say I always had the problem, but I acted out 13 to 14 out of 18 of our marriage and both years we dated and I am very sorry. "

Pause for a moment of genuine awe as I stare at the text message.  That was unexpected. 

"I am willing to move out and get my own place.  Get a job.  Date you again and give you that year of no sexual activity.  I will give you that safe place so we can build trust. I would like to explore something where you would feel safe and be able to work on saving our marriage. I will not rely upon you (the victim) as my support system. I would consult with bishop, other addicts in recovery, and a sponsor. I really want to be with only you.  You just have to promise not to divorce me.  Think about it."

 
For the first time since I filled out the paperwork (June) I questioned myself. So I did think about it and finally as I wrote out some of my thoughts I came to the conclusion that I still wanted to proceed with the divorce.  And now I'm on the phone with him dreading his return. 

"You don't realize how unhappy you will be.  You'll be a bitter unhappy single woman. Trust me. I've seen it. I've had to listen to them complain.  You don't want to do this.  There's a part of you that knows we have something special.  There is something we are supposed to learn from each other.  At least 50 percent of this is your problem and now 100 percent of it may even be you. We've never both tried to work on it at the same time.  If we work through this you'll be the happiest you've ever been"

For the fifth time I say "I will not ever trust you again.  I cannot live with you again. I am divorcing you". There is no anger or malice or vengeance in my voice.  I am just trying to get him to understand that it is really over.  He won't accept it. 

"You need a sponsor.  You need to go to the temple with the right attitude.  If you would just love and appreciate and respect and admire me then you would see a different man. I will do whatever it takes. I know I've hurt you.  You have every right to leave me. Don't do it. I need you or I can't have redemption" his voice breaks and I can feel he is truly in pain. 

As I listen to all of this pour out I think to myself  "why can't I just be cruel and slice him in half.  End it. Shut him down.  Stick the knife in and twist it.  Bring him to his knees. If I'm cruel enough he will finally get the picture.  That I am through with him.  This being gentle and persistent with him isn't getting through"

 

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A few years ago I took the kids to California to meet up with my sister and go to Disneyland for New Year's Eve. On our last day there we wandered around Downtown Disney and at one point something happened between my sister and her 8 year old son.  I came in at the tail end of it just in time to hear her cold proclamation "I am leaving you here. You are no longer my son" and she turned and walked away leaving him behind a building and walked into the crowd and disappeared. 

I turned to my 8 year old nephew in horror because even if you feel that way who says that to a child? When I looked at his face I saw my husband.  I reeled in shock. My husband is a crushed abandoned 8 year old boy.  The mother in me demanded that I pull my nephew close and hug him and tell him that I love him and that he is a child of God who is valued.  Then I took his hand and we went to go find his family. 

The problem is I can't be married to an 8 year old.  I can't be his redeemer.  But the mother in me can't coldly abandon him either.  And as I hang up the phone that leaves me back where I started: with a feeling of dread.