Fury

"And the wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws."

Such a cute and touching story.  I've read it to my children and other children in that sing song voice that holds a child spell bound.  

Except it's not cute. 

I always thought I had a pretty good handle on my temper.  I didn't get angry that often.  Annoyed yes. Irritated yes. But there was nothing like smiling at someone who is raging at you.  It makes them soooooo mad.  

Marriage to an addict changed that.  I'm 2 inches from his face, my hands are fists, and every muscle in my body strains to launch myself at him.  The veins in my forehead and the chords in my neck stand out while my eyes bulge grotesquely.  My head is flaming with heat and and my throat is raw from obscenities.  Spittle drips down my chin and my jaw is clenched as I grind my teeth. 

This is gnashing of teeth.   

Later An Heritage 4 says to me in a small voice "it scares me when you yell at dad".  And that breaks my heart and inside I am wailing.  

"And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of the wicked, yea, who are evil—for behold, they have no part nor portion of the Spirit of the Lord; for behold, they chose evil works rather than good; therefore the spirit of the devil did enter into them, and take possession of their house—and these shall be cast out into outer darkness; there shall be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth, and this because of their own iniquity, being led captive by the will of the devil."  Alma 40:13

I have let the devil into me in those moments.  I am captive to the will of the devil in those moments. No wonder my son is scared.  

But here's the really tragic part.  I got a phone call the next day from the principal.  My heart sank as she told me that while playing volleyball my son got into an altercation.  One boy had hit the ball and unintentionally it bounced and hit my son who ran over, pushed the boy down, and punched him twice.  It's only two weeks into the school year and this is the third incident (he was blatantly defiant and rude to a teacher in front of the whole class and screamed at another teacher to get out of his face). 

I listened in grateful humility as the principal shared the conversation she had with my son.  She felt that an extreme reaction like this meant there must be something else going on.  So she asked him how things were at home. She encouraged him not to bottle up his emotions and to find a safe way to express his emotions.  

Tears streamed down my face as I thanked her for being someone my son could talk to and asked if she had any advice for me.  

An Heritage #4 and I have worked out a deal.  I asked him if there was something he could do to alert me when he is scared.  Raise his hand, bring me a pencil, say a safe word.  His eyes lit up as he suggested "I could give you penguin!"

He. Loves. Penguins. He's watched the Penguins of Madagascar a million times.  It's the first place he wants to go at any zoo. He is writing a story about a penguin.  He has asked for a pet penguin.  If it is a penguin pad of paper, picture, sticker, emoji, stuffed animal--that is what he will choose. He has this baby penguin stuffed animal that he loves.  He's made a bed for it and tucks it in at night.  

So he agreed that if I am ever doing or acting in a way that scares him he will bring penguin to me. He can even just open the door and throw penguin at me if he's too scared to approach me. 

I am resolved that he will never have to bring penguin to me.  I am not letting the devil back in.  Not in my home and not in me.  Max had his stuffed animals and imagination that helped him work through his anger.  I have so much more.