Wounded

The First Visitation

So even though I’ve been divorced since the end of January, I haven’t had to deal with visitation due to H-er’s panic attacks.  But eventually he got his head on straight and was ready to commit to being a parent.  So I drove to the half way point (5 hours) on Oct 1.   Well really we went the night before and stayed at my sister’s.  But I told H-er he could come get them on Saturday as early as he wanted. 

H-er doesn’t get up before 11am.   He left around 2pm (gained an hour).  He wanted to know if I could meet him directly off of the freeway rather than at my sister’s house.  I figured I’d be accommodating. I was curious how he would handle the drive down alone.  I was usually the one who went to get An Heritage #1 because he said he didn’t like to have to face his ex.  If he did go then one of the kids had to go with him because he just couldn’t be alone.  There was one time our stake was having a special fireside for women and a guy in the ward finally offered to drive with him so that I could go to the meeting with his wife. 

So they arrived and we met in the Lowe’s parking lot.  I had a trunk full of his stuff and it clearly flustered him.  He piled it all in the back of his car and at one point I asked if I could repack it for me (I hate wasted space and it was blocking his view out the back).  He didn’t respond and I forced myself to stay silent because I’m not married to him and if he wants to have stuff shifting around then that’s his problem.

Then I hugged the boys and they drove off.  Immediately I teared up.  I cried off and on back to my sister’s house (30 minute drive) and on the way I got a text from An Heritage #3. “we are meeting Jolene or however you spell it”.  (meaning they were picking her up wherever H-her had stashed her on the way down).

Jolene is the woman he was having an affair with.  The woman he described as psycho who slept with his friends as well.  The woman that another woman tried to warn him about – to stay far away from her--who apparently isn’t divorced from her husband yet but was engaged to someone else (while she was married) who died.   The woman who messaged my daughter on facebook – that’s how I found out about her--who called me (while we were still married) to apologize and asked if we could go to coffee sometime (when H-er broke up with her the first time).  She sounds like a gem doesn’t she?

H-er had told me that he finally broke it off with her and was dating other people.  I thought she was in the rear-view mirror.  Apparently not.  And now my boys get to be a part of her life.  Since I was at my sister’s I was able to distract myself from the trauma of it all until bedtime.  Then once I went to bed and it was quiet I broke down and just sobbed. 

Heartbroken

I'm not dating anyone she says. 

But she is spending almost every night somewhere else. 

She is doing well in school.  She was friends with people who work the 12 steps. She had a boyfriend who was a college graduate and had a job and was making a life plan. We'd all met him and he was welcome anytime. But he treated her too nice.  He wasn't enough drama.  There just wasn't anything there. 

Can we talk she asks. 

They weren't friends last time.  It's different this time because they are building a friendship first. He makes her laugh (except last weekend when he sent her a picture of his old girlfriend and it made her cry because she felt ugly and not good enough). He made her soup when she threw up.  There's just something about him.  She doesn't know what.  She knows he's not good for her but it just feels so right.   Maybe he hated her and treated her badly because she was too clingy and afraid to lose him.  This time he won't try to physically or emotionally harm her. 

She's prayed about it and she doesn't know why she was supposed to meet him.  He says when she is around he doesn't do drugs as much.  Maybe she can help him because she understands him now.  Maybe someday it will be okay for us to meet him. 

Don't tell dad she says. 

Oh and marijuana isn't harmful for you. It shouldn't have to be prescribed and administered under the care of a doctor because - well if I had tried it I would know what she was talking about.  Besides she doesn't take it to escape so it won't become an addiction.  And it's not a gateway drug for her because she already knows she wouldn't like anything else and would react bad to it. 

Don't worry about me she says. Don't cry yourself to sleep she says. 

I just give her a sad smile. 

Easy

What it looks like at my house when mom starts dating again: 

We were making dinner together--he likes to help.  If I’m washing lettuce for a salad he gets out the tomatoes and the cucumbers and starts slicing them.  (I don’t even have to ask).  At one point I teased him about something and he smeared his freshly washed wet hands on my face.  Both of us were laughing and out of the corner of my eye I caught my boys just staring.

One of them complained the other day “he’s always saying that you work hard and we should help you out” and the other quickly responded “yeah, dad used to say that too but at least he (the new guy) means it”.  Because he noticed my dryer was pulled out from the wall and when he asked me about it I told him the vent had problems.  So one day while I was at work he grabbed my youngest and together they replaced the hose and pushed the dryer back against the wall.

And then later that week he grabbed my 6 foot tall boy and together they replaced my air filters and vacuumed lint out of the vents. (Explaining that it was good experience because he’d probably have to do something similar for investigators someday on a mission).

And he noticed that the sleeping bags and camping gear were spread out in the garage so he got the boys to roll them up and store them on the shelves. 

It’s just so nice.  

Covered

I was asked to speak in church on finding hope and joy in discipleship and asked to reference Hebrews 10 “cast not away thine confidence” and Elder Hollands final talk at April Conference.  I was feeling pretty good and had my basic outline done.  Then I headed off to Relief Society Presidency meeting where I got a text from H-er.  He was letting me know that he would not be coming down for Scout camp (because he is heartbroken that we are over) and could I please let the scout leaders know.

Scout camp was the NEXT day.  This means that they would be short an adult and seeing as it was now Sunday the chances of finding an adult who already had a physical done was going to be pretty darn near impossible.  In addition, guess who was going to get to break it to their boys that their dad wasn’t going anymore.  Plus H-er was going to take the boys at the end of scout camp for his summer visitation and I had already made plans for the weekend which means I don’t know how they are going to get to Utah now.
 
But all of that wasn’t what really bothered me.  It was that I was supposed to be giving a talk and I wanted to have the spirit with me when I spoke.  And it’s hard to have the spirit when you are mad.  So I was mad that I was mad.   But I made the conscious choice that I was not going to be mad and I gave it all to God.   I said “Take it. You deal with it”.
 
And it turns out that one of the priesthood leaders had gotten a physical anyway even though he hadn’t planned on going. And my daughter came to church to hear my talk (hasn’t been since September and usually refuses to go), and I had the spirit with me and the boys weren’t too upset.
 
I need to turn stuff over to Him more often.   Clearly He's got it all covered.

 

Attached

I love to read. 

I went through the whole Nancy Drew series before third grade.  I was the kid sitting in the bathroom on the floor at 2am reading so that the light wouldn’t bother anyone.  And I’m a fast reader.  I can fly through a book.

I would read anything if it looked interesting or if I was bored.  So one summer after a family reunion I was bored and looking through the bookshelves at my aunt’s house.  I found a romance novel.  I fell in love with a particular genre – Jane Austen’s time period.   I stuck with a particular distributor because they were clean.  You know, just like Pride and Prejudice.  It was all about the relationship and the story and the book would end with their first kiss.

But sadly over the years, I’ve left that distributor.  While I’ve still stuck with that genre, they aren’t clean anymore.  I used them to hide from the pain of my marriage.  I’ve spend so much money on romance novels it’s ridiculous. 

Looking back I can definitely see patterns.  When H-er was actively acting out I read anywhere from 10-20 a month.     I can see it was definitely a coping strategy to numb myself. This last year I’ve probably read 5-and they were all from authors who write incredible stories.  It was their storytelling I was drawn to rather than the idea of romance.  But still it’s filth. Pornography for women.

Two weeks ago in Sunday School we talked about Abinidi and how he would share his message even if it meant his death.  Then in my personal reading I read about the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s and how they buried their weapons and would die before they would take them up again.  And I knew that my romance novel reading had to go the way of the weapons. 

But it wasn’t until this last Saturday when I was at the temple asking God for an answer to a prayer that I made the decision to bury them.  And so I began my fast yesterday and started gathering up books.   At first I was thinking I would turn them in to a used book store for credit, or donate them to a library.  But it’s filth.  The Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s didn’t donate or sell their weapons.  They buried them.  So I started dumping them in my recycling bin.  Rather than pass the filth on to someone else, hopefully they’ll be recycled and turned into something that can be used for a better purpose. 

I tried not to look at the titles but couldn’t help but see some of them.  I felt twinges because some of the stories I’ve read multiple times.  I’ve met some of the authors.  It was hard deleting the ebooks.  I had to read the titles to separate the romance novels from the kid’s books and other books I’ve gotten for bookclub.  Sometimes it was hard to press the delete button.  “I’ll just keep this one.”  I’d say.  Or “this one doesn’t have any smut in it.”  But I would catch myself and think of Abinidi.  I still need to go through some closets and boxes in the garage because I know there are books all over from when I moved.  My goal is to find every last one by this next weekend and be romance novel free.

I know I’m going to face challenges.  I’ll see that one of my favorite authors has a new book and I know I’ll be tempted to “just get that one”.  I also know that the attachment I feel to the books will fade over time. There are so many other uplifting and good books I can read instead.  I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife but if I don’t acknowledge the chemical and emotional connection I have to the books, I won’t be able to break it.   In Relief Society yesterday the lesson was “you can have what you want today or you can have something better.”  I’m going for something better. 

Bemused

The strangest thing.   Someone contacted me through the dating site.  He’s interesting.  I’m interested. 

He lives in another state so we haven’t met in person yet.

He doesn’t ask me to send pictures.

He doesn’t make sexual comments.

There were a couple of times when I started to freak out and he calmed me down.

We talk every day now.

So when H-er called and asked for another chance I calmly told him it was time for him to grieve and move on.

Violated

I wrote this while traveling last week:

H-er is staying at my home with my kids while I am in Europe. When I got back to our hotel last night there were 16 missed calls from him on the app I use to communicate with my kids. So I called him.

As a precaution, I had put some things in my car that I didn't want him to see and locked my car. Well he had gotten in my car and read them and was upset and used language like "I have a right to know".

*****

I read Conscious Uncoupling last week on the plane because my sister who just got divorced from a husband addicted to pornography had read it and wanted someone to discuss it with. In it, the author talks about blame and that even if your spouse is 97% of the problem you still had 3% and if you don't acknowledge that part you will just take it into future relationships.

So I've spent part of this trip thinking about how I contributed to negative cycles in my marriage (not to absolve him of the things he did but because I need to acknowledge my contribution). One of the things I realized is that I kept a part of my heart to myself.  It wasn’t safe to completely give my heart to him.  And while it is harmful to the relationship to withhold part of yourself from your spouse, it is still my choice. 

This morning as I looked at why I was angry at H-er for reading what is written I realized that underneath the anger I felt violated. I'd written those things in an attempt to explore my feelings and work through uncertainties and insecurities. I didn't want him to see those intimate thoughts. I didn't choose to share them with him. He took them without asking. And then on top of that he chose to make accusations and didn't acknowledge that some of those thoughts were about the first time he hit me and gave me a bloody nose and how it felt emotionally. And he did it all believing it is his "right".

I want him to stop taking things from me that I don't choose to give him.