Done

Warning:  This post talks about physical abuse and may be a trigger

Sometimes I just want to give up.

An Heritage #2 texted me over the holidays while he was with his dad. 

“I need help”

“With what?”

“this stupid addiction”

"What addiction is that?”

“pornography, it’s like every couple of weeks.  It didn’t worry me until I realized I couldn’t let it go.  I would go for like a month but it kept coming back.  I hate it and I thought I could get rid of it myself but I can’t and I need help and I’ve always been too scared to tell anyone”. 

And later in our conversation:

“I was so scared I would have it until I was married and would ruin my relationship and I would never be worthy of a mission.  Can I still go on a mission?”

This conversation covers so many of Satan’s lies:

It’s not that often so don’t worry
You can stop anytime
You can do it by yourself
Be very afraid
You are alone
It’s too late
 
I also noticed something with both of my sons.  They both assumed they had an addiction AND their experience with addiction has been the extreme version of their father’s.  As I was talking with him via text I recalled Elder Oak’s talk Recovering from the Trap of Pornography and felt impressed that I needed to cover it with my boys.

So this last family home evening we took turns reading from it and applying it to themselves.  I hope they came away with the understanding that they are not at the level where it is an “irresistible compulsion” that “takes priority over almost everything else in life”.   That they have not in fact lost agency or the capacity to recover and repent.

And we are going to do some journaling.  They don’t have to share it with me.  I want them to write about what has led up to their viewing of pornography.  I want them to consider the emotions, location, time, and what was happening around them.  Were they curious, sad, lonely, hurt, bored, hungry, tired, up past bedtime, was it the weekend, did they just have a fight with someone, etc.  Are there any patterns?  Because once they have identified these patterns and triggers, then they can-with the help of the Lord-realize his promise in Ether 12:27 “then I will make weak things become strong unto them”.

So that’s the goal. 

Is that why I want to give up? 

No.

It’s that PLUS the fact that my daughter is in an abusive relationship.  She texted me on New Years Eve and I was horrified as she detailed how he punched her and another time he told her he was going to kill her and yet another time he put a pillow over her face and tried to suffocate her.  And then she told me that it was her fault because she had pushed him to it because she was so mean and demanding.  That she has been praying that it will work out because she just knows she is supposed to be with him because he loves her and only wants to do good things in the world with his hands.  (I feel like vomiting as I type this) And though they are officially “broken up now” apparently she spends time with him still because yesterday she said she needed to talk to me but was afraid and then finally said he had been driving her car and was punching her at the same time so that she opened the door and jumped out of the moving car.  Then later still she minimized it while I stared at the bruises and the huge welt underneath them causing her skin to bulge.   But apparently I handled it well (didn’t freak out) so she decided to show me the tattoo she got as well. 

Is that why I want to give up?

Well we’re getting closer.

Because on top of that, the guy that I’ve been seeing, who is supportive and treats me well and wonderful and that all signs were pointing to – including in the temple – apparently he has gender identity issues.  And that’s the white-washed, shortened, tacked on as an afterthought version. 

So it’s all of that.  Like I was in an abusive adulterous relationship for 20 years and finally was given the green light to leave for better things and I’m like ???????

Somewhere, someone is laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

Disappointed

Thanksgiving.  Another drop off for visitation.  This time Jolene wasn't dropped off at a gas station to wait (this is really her name and not a play on words.  But really, how cliche is it that the woman H-er cheated with is named Jolene?).  After the boys climbed in the car and the suitcase was loaded in the back, H-er mumbled an apology.  “I’m sorry Jolene was in the car.  I know that is probably awkward.  I know it would be for me.  I wouldn’t like it.”

And I made a split decision.  I decided it wouldn’t be awkward for me.   So I marched right up to the window, knocked on it and after she rolled the window down I said, “Hi.  Nice to meet you.”  She said hi back and thanked me for mailing her stuff back to her.  “No problem."  (Big Smile) "Have a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Was I thrilled that I have to meet the woman he cheated with?  No.  Am I thrilled that my boys get to spend Thanksgiving with the woman he cheated with? No.  But apparently she is going to be in my life forever now so I better just deal with it. 

I even mentioned to H-er that they boys had asked if we would ever all spend a holiday together again and that it would be nice if someday relations were such that we could spend a holiday together for the sake of the boys and Jolene could come too.  Yes I nearly gagged as I said it, but I still said it. (It won't be this Christmas.)

I did pretty well over the weekend.  I was with family so that helped.  When my sisters asked me how I was doing I talked about the grief I feel (and we cried and then laughed at ourselves because we had all JUST applied our eye makeup).

**********

Sunday night I picked them up and as we drove the five hours home I learned that she is really nice and fun and “modern” so they get along with her (unlike the “old” guy I’m dating – who expects them to help out around the house, do chores, pick up after themselves, etc., and who was “forced on them”). She loaded them up with Takis (the treat I always buy them), listens to music with them, sends them birthday gifts—in short—they like her.  And they don’t like the guy I’m dating. 

So to be honest I am struggling with the fact that I should be glad she is nice to my boys, yet I am not because I'm jealous.  If it was any other woman I think I’d be okay with it.  But it’s the woman he cheated with.  

Why should she get to contribute to the break up of my marriage and be rewarded with MY boys good will, yet a guy who treats me well and who had nothing to do with my divorce gets resentment and disrespect?  For a brief minute there is a flash of anger which means there is a mess of painful feelings hammering me that I'd rather not face:  jealousy, betrayal, disappointment (that they don’t like the guy I’m dating and they like the one he is dating), loss, even shame for feeling negative emotions.  

Just acknowledging them dissolves the anger.  It's painful.  But as my sister said when I told them sometimes I just had to cry and allow myself to grieve:  "Hey, at least now you know you aren't a psychopath".

JOY

My last three posts have been building to an important lesson for me. They've reflected some pretty heartrending painful moments that all happened in an 8 day period.  In fact at first reading it seems incredibly depressing. However...

This last Sunday in Sunday school we discussed the pivotal moment of the Book of Mormon.  The Savior's appearance to the American continent.  Our teacher started by asking for personal stories of the power of 3 Nephi Chapter 11 in anyone's lives. There were those who shared stories from their missions of investigators who were converted after reading that chapter. 

For me it recalled to mind when I was just 13 and one Sunday after church I decided to read 3 Nephi.  As I came to that chapter I was overwhelmed by the confirmation of the spirit that every word I was reading was true.  That it had really happened. And so my testimony of both the Book of Mormon and the appearance of the Savior to the America's was cemented. 

She later asked 

"When they heard 'this is my beloved son'" how did the Nephites and Lamanites react?"  

In my mind I imagine them dropping to their knees because that would be my first instinct. 

And that makes me think of true prayer -- on my knees and actually listening for an answer. 

Still later she asked,  "Why would He choose to keep the marks and then invite everyone to come and feel for themselves? Why would this be important for the people at the temple?" 

Everyone began to discuss how this would be proof for the people etc., and I heard a quiet voice whisper of the symbolism in this moment:  The Savior stands before me inviting me to "Come unto Him" and feel for myself.   Not the wounds but the truth and certainly of His promises.  And that same overwhelming confirmation filled me and my eyes filled with tears of gratitude for what that means for me. 

But the spirit was not done with me yet. 

In Relief Society, I was conducting and I beamed at the sisters as I shared the announcements and made them laugh. I then introduced our two guest speakers from the stake.  They were ARP facilitators. One of the sisters wanted to talk to us about the Savior and how the atonement is about having joy. She shared a truly horrific experience that happened to her which ripped every aspect of her life apart and led to an addiction which further damaged her life. And then she asked if it was possible to have joy while going through all of this.  She testified that it was possible--that she found joy even in the horrible mess of her life. 

And three things came to my mind in succession:

1.  When I was set apart just two months ago I was told to let my joy shine out for all the sisters to see.  

2.  And then, the night after I sobbed myself to sleep on my sister's couch the first two conference talks are about happiness (Monson) and joy (Nelson). 

3.  And here was an ARP sister reminding me that I can feel joy again when for so long I couldn't. 

And because I was conducting that Sunday I got to close and after thanking them for sharing their experiences with us I shared mine.  I said "I was married to an addict and turned to anger in order to avoid the pain of betrayal, disillusionment, hurt, etc.   But when you numb the painful feelings you also numb the beautiful feelings.  I didn't feel anything but anger for a long time. it wasn't until I worked the ARP program and with the Savior by my side I faced those painful feelings and now I can stand before you and tell you about the joy I feel."

Now I'm always looking for the joy--because I can. 

When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives.

--Russell M Nelson

Defeated

Mom can I talk to you? 

I've gone to bed already and he's sitting on the end of my bed in the dark.  

Sure.  What's up?

He puts his head down in his head and I can feel the bed tremble as he shakes. 

I need to tell you...

He pauses and the bed shakes some more.  

I think...this is so hard to say....

I reach out and take his hand in mine and wait while my mind dreads what is about to come out. 

I think...I think I am addicted to pornography. 

He is 12. 

So we talk about it and what his options are and what things we can do.  We talk about his triggers and appropriate activities and how to face feelings instead of running from them. We talk about safety measures. I have all the answers because 20 years with a porn addict have been an education. I reassure him of my love and that he is not shameful and that he has a support system and I am on his team as is the Lord.  I tell him it's good that he is asking for help now before he's had years to live out the shame cycle. 

I want a family some day he says (he knows what porn has done to ours). 

I give him a hug and tell him that it is a brave and good thing he has done sharing this with me.   We say a prayer together asking for God's help in this fight and to turn weaknesses into strengths. 

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest he says and I can tell he feels lighter. 

I'm going to go read Elder Nelson's talk now because I could sure use some joy in my life right about now

Wounded

The First Visitation

So even though I’ve been divorced since the end of January, I haven’t had to deal with visitation due to H-er’s panic attacks.  But eventually he got his head on straight and was ready to commit to being a parent.  So I drove to the half way point (5 hours) on Oct 1.   Well really we went the night before and stayed at my sister’s.  But I told H-er he could come get them on Saturday as early as he wanted. 

H-er doesn’t get up before 11am.   He left around 2pm (gained an hour).  He wanted to know if I could meet him directly off of the freeway rather than at my sister’s house.  I figured I’d be accommodating. I was curious how he would handle the drive down alone.  I was usually the one who went to get An Heritage #1 because he said he didn’t like to have to face his ex.  If he did go then one of the kids had to go with him because he just couldn’t be alone.  There was one time our stake was having a special fireside for women and a guy in the ward finally offered to drive with him so that I could go to the meeting with his wife. 

So they arrived and we met in the Lowe’s parking lot.  I had a trunk full of his stuff and it clearly flustered him.  He piled it all in the back of his car and at one point I asked if I could repack it for me (I hate wasted space and it was blocking his view out the back).  He didn’t respond and I forced myself to stay silent because I’m not married to him and if he wants to have stuff shifting around then that’s his problem.

Then I hugged the boys and they drove off.  Immediately I teared up.  I cried off and on back to my sister’s house (30 minute drive) and on the way I got a text from An Heritage #3. “we are meeting Jolene or however you spell it”.  (meaning they were picking her up wherever H-her had stashed her on the way down).

Jolene is the woman he was having an affair with.  The woman he described as psycho who slept with his friends as well.  The woman that another woman tried to warn him about – to stay far away from her--who apparently isn’t divorced from her husband yet but was engaged to someone else (while she was married) who died.   The woman who messaged my daughter on facebook – that’s how I found out about her--who called me (while we were still married) to apologize and asked if we could go to coffee sometime (when H-er broke up with her the first time).  She sounds like a gem doesn’t she?

H-er had told me that he finally broke it off with her and was dating other people.  I thought she was in the rear-view mirror.  Apparently not.  And now my boys get to be a part of her life.  Since I was at my sister’s I was able to distract myself from the trauma of it all until bedtime.  Then once I went to bed and it was quiet I broke down and just sobbed. 

Heartbroken

I'm not dating anyone she says. 

But she is spending almost every night somewhere else. 

She is doing well in school.  She was friends with people who work the 12 steps. She had a boyfriend who was a college graduate and had a job and was making a life plan. We'd all met him and he was welcome anytime. But he treated her too nice.  He wasn't enough drama.  There just wasn't anything there. 

Can we talk she asks. 

They weren't friends last time.  It's different this time because they are building a friendship first. He makes her laugh (except last weekend when he sent her a picture of his old girlfriend and it made her cry because she felt ugly and not good enough). He made her soup when she threw up.  There's just something about him.  She doesn't know what.  She knows he's not good for her but it just feels so right.   Maybe he hated her and treated her badly because she was too clingy and afraid to lose him.  This time he won't try to physically or emotionally harm her. 

She's prayed about it and she doesn't know why she was supposed to meet him.  He says when she is around he doesn't do drugs as much.  Maybe she can help him because she understands him now.  Maybe someday it will be okay for us to meet him. 

Don't tell dad she says. 

Oh and marijuana isn't harmful for you. It shouldn't have to be prescribed and administered under the care of a doctor because - well if I had tried it I would know what she was talking about.  Besides she doesn't take it to escape so it won't become an addiction.  And it's not a gateway drug for her because she already knows she wouldn't like anything else and would react bad to it. 

Don't worry about me she says. Don't cry yourself to sleep she says. 

I just give her a sad smile. 

Easy

What it looks like at my house when mom starts dating again: 

We were making dinner together--he likes to help.  If I’m washing lettuce for a salad he gets out the tomatoes and the cucumbers and starts slicing them.  (I don’t even have to ask).  At one point I teased him about something and he smeared his freshly washed wet hands on my face.  Both of us were laughing and out of the corner of my eye I caught my boys just staring.

One of them complained the other day “he’s always saying that you work hard and we should help you out” and the other quickly responded “yeah, dad used to say that too but at least he (the new guy) means it”.  Because he noticed my dryer was pulled out from the wall and when he asked me about it I told him the vent had problems.  So one day while I was at work he grabbed my youngest and together they replaced the hose and pushed the dryer back against the wall.

And then later that week he grabbed my 6 foot tall boy and together they replaced my air filters and vacuumed lint out of the vents. (Explaining that it was good experience because he’d probably have to do something similar for investigators someday on a mission).

And he noticed that the sleeping bags and camping gear were spread out in the garage so he got the boys to roll them up and store them on the shelves. 

It’s just so nice.