Covered

I was asked to speak in church on finding hope and joy in discipleship and asked to reference Hebrews 10 “cast not away thine confidence” and Elder Hollands final talk at April Conference.  I was feeling pretty good and had my basic outline done.  Then I headed off to Relief Society Presidency meeting where I got a text from H-er.  He was letting me know that he would not be coming down for Scout camp (because he is heartbroken that we are over) and could I please let the scout leaders know.

Scout camp was the NEXT day.  This means that they would be short an adult and seeing as it was now Sunday the chances of finding an adult who already had a physical done was going to be pretty darn near impossible.  In addition, guess who was going to get to break it to their boys that their dad wasn’t going anymore.  Plus H-er was going to take the boys at the end of scout camp for his summer visitation and I had already made plans for the weekend which means I don’t know how they are going to get to Utah now.
 
But all of that wasn’t what really bothered me.  It was that I was supposed to be giving a talk and I wanted to have the spirit with me when I spoke.  And it’s hard to have the spirit when you are mad.  So I was mad that I was mad.   But I made the conscious choice that I was not going to be mad and I gave it all to God.   I said “Take it. You deal with it”.
 
And it turns out that one of the priesthood leaders had gotten a physical anyway even though he hadn’t planned on going. And my daughter came to church to hear my talk (hasn’t been since September and usually refuses to go), and I had the spirit with me and the boys weren’t too upset.
 
I need to turn stuff over to Him more often.   Clearly He's got it all covered.

 

Attached

I love to read. 

I went through the whole Nancy Drew series before third grade.  I was the kid sitting in the bathroom on the floor at 2am reading so that the light wouldn’t bother anyone.  And I’m a fast reader.  I can fly through a book.

I would read anything if it looked interesting or if I was bored.  So one summer after a family reunion I was bored and looking through the bookshelves at my aunt’s house.  I found a romance novel.  I fell in love with a particular genre – Jane Austen’s time period.   I stuck with a particular distributor because they were clean.  You know, just like Pride and Prejudice.  It was all about the relationship and the story and the book would end with their first kiss.

But sadly over the years, I’ve left that distributor.  While I’ve still stuck with that genre, they aren’t clean anymore.  I used them to hide from the pain of my marriage.  I’ve spend so much money on romance novels it’s ridiculous. 

Looking back I can definitely see patterns.  When H-er was actively acting out I read anywhere from 10-20 a month.     I can see it was definitely a coping strategy to numb myself. This last year I’ve probably read 5-and they were all from authors who write incredible stories.  It was their storytelling I was drawn to rather than the idea of romance.  But still it’s filth. Pornography for women.

Two weeks ago in Sunday School we talked about Abinidi and how he would share his message even if it meant his death.  Then in my personal reading I read about the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s and how they buried their weapons and would die before they would take them up again.  And I knew that my romance novel reading had to go the way of the weapons. 

But it wasn’t until this last Saturday when I was at the temple asking God for an answer to a prayer that I made the decision to bury them.  And so I began my fast yesterday and started gathering up books.   At first I was thinking I would turn them in to a used book store for credit, or donate them to a library.  But it’s filth.  The Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s didn’t donate or sell their weapons.  They buried them.  So I started dumping them in my recycling bin.  Rather than pass the filth on to someone else, hopefully they’ll be recycled and turned into something that can be used for a better purpose. 

I tried not to look at the titles but couldn’t help but see some of them.  I felt twinges because some of the stories I’ve read multiple times.  I’ve met some of the authors.  It was hard deleting the ebooks.  I had to read the titles to separate the romance novels from the kid’s books and other books I’ve gotten for bookclub.  Sometimes it was hard to press the delete button.  “I’ll just keep this one.”  I’d say.  Or “this one doesn’t have any smut in it.”  But I would catch myself and think of Abinidi.  I still need to go through some closets and boxes in the garage because I know there are books all over from when I moved.  My goal is to find every last one by this next weekend and be romance novel free.

I know I’m going to face challenges.  I’ll see that one of my favorite authors has a new book and I know I’ll be tempted to “just get that one”.  I also know that the attachment I feel to the books will fade over time. There are so many other uplifting and good books I can read instead.  I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife but if I don’t acknowledge the chemical and emotional connection I have to the books, I won’t be able to break it.   In Relief Society yesterday the lesson was “you can have what you want today or you can have something better.”  I’m going for something better. 

Bemused

The strangest thing.   Someone contacted me through the dating site.  He’s interesting.  I’m interested. 

He lives in another state so we haven’t met in person yet.

He doesn’t ask me to send pictures.

He doesn’t make sexual comments.

There were a couple of times when I started to freak out and he calmed me down.

We talk every day now.

So when H-er called and asked for another chance I calmly told him it was time for him to grieve and move on.

Violated

I wrote this while traveling last week:

H-er is staying at my home with my kids while I am in Europe. When I got back to our hotel last night there were 16 missed calls from him on the app I use to communicate with my kids. So I called him.

As a precaution, I had put some things in my car that I didn't want him to see and locked my car. Well he had gotten in my car and read them and was upset and used language like "I have a right to know".

*****

I read Conscious Uncoupling last week on the plane because my sister who just got divorced from a husband addicted to pornography had read it and wanted someone to discuss it with. In it, the author talks about blame and that even if your spouse is 97% of the problem you still had 3% and if you don't acknowledge that part you will just take it into future relationships.

So I've spent part of this trip thinking about how I contributed to negative cycles in my marriage (not to absolve him of the things he did but because I need to acknowledge my contribution). One of the things I realized is that I kept a part of my heart to myself.  It wasn’t safe to completely give my heart to him.  And while it is harmful to the relationship to withhold part of yourself from your spouse, it is still my choice. 

This morning as I looked at why I was angry at H-er for reading what is written I realized that underneath the anger I felt violated. I'd written those things in an attempt to explore my feelings and work through uncertainties and insecurities. I didn't want him to see those intimate thoughts. I didn't choose to share them with him. He took them without asking. And then on top of that he chose to make accusations and didn't acknowledge that some of those thoughts were about the first time he hit me and gave me a bloody nose and how it felt emotionally. And he did it all believing it is his "right".

I want him to stop taking things from me that I don't choose to give him.

 

 

Prepared

An Heritage #3 lost her job.  Because she called out too many days.

This was odd because I only knew of three days she missed (two because she had her wisdom teeth out and one where she threw up everywhere at 3am in the morning). It kept worrying at me and then she disappeared for two days (her crappy boyfriend finally texted her).

So I found her kindle and looked at her facebook messenger.   I found things that no mother wants to find including drugs. 

I was prepared.  I recalled Elder Uchtdorf’s conference talk: 

Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.

He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears.

It matters not how you became lost—whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.

What matters is that you are His child. And He loves you. He loves His children.

Because He loves you, He will find you. He will place you upon His shoulders, rejoicing. And when He brings you home, He will say to one and all, “Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.”

You may feel that your life is in ruins. You may have sinned. You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.

He will rescue you.

He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.

He will carry you home.

If mortal hands can transform rubble and ruins into a beautiful house of worship, then we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were—far greater than what we can ever imagine. With each step of faith on the path of discipleship, we grow into the beings of eternal glory and infinite joy we were designed to become.

And I thought of her baby blessing where she was promised that at a point in her life when she questioned she would remember the Savior and come to the truth.

And so after many tears, and shaking, and desperate gasps for air:

Step 1:  I am powerless

This is her struggle.  I am not her savior. I can only tell her I love her no matter what she does and if she needs help I am here, but not as an enabler. 

Step 2 & 3: She is in God’s hands and I will wait for promptings from Him so I know what to say and when.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng

Safe

Recently we had a special stake conference.  Four stakes were reorganized into five stakes and a bunch of new wards were created as well.   One of the seventies spoke after all the reorganizing and shared a story that really struck me. 

He said that we are given two types of children.  The ones who bring us joy all the time or the ones who really make our lives a struggle.  He said he was blessed with only children who make it a struggle.  But finally, through years of effort he and his wife had finally gotten their children reactivated and Elder Ballard called them in and asked them to be Mission President in Africa.  He said “I can’t leave now, I’ve just gotten my kids back to church.”  And Elder Ballard looked at him and said “YOU don’t understand.  YOU are not their savior.”

It has taken me a long time to come to this understanding but I finally do.  I feel this way about H-er and about An Heritage #2.  My next post will share some of the things that have happened over the last month with her and how I’ve had to hold on to that principle so that I didn’t start trying to save her. 

The sweetest experience I had though, was one night when An Heritage #4 sat next to me and asked why she was suffering so much.  And the primary song “Keep the Commandments” popped into my head so I sang it, emphasizing “in this there is SAFETY and peace”.  And he got teary eyed.  

Distressed

At yoga tonight I cried.  I'm still not exactly sure what I was crying about. So I'm going to just brainstorm.  Whatever thoughts come to my head i'm going to write them.  Because once I stop suppressing them, they can get out and maybe what's under it all will be illuminated.  It may look or sound disjointed. But here they are:

It's so easy for him.  I don't even know where he meets them.  Is he just randomly friend requesting people?  He says he is "targeting" good Mormon women.  Where is he finding them?

He probably started going to karaoke again. He probably has a dating profile.

He was at a freaking gas station and a woman asked him for his number.

It makes me feel unattractive and less because i don't really want to date anyone. Yet at the same time no one is pursuing me. No one comes up to me at random places and expresses interest in me.

Part of me is horrified.  I guess I could do profiles on dating sites.  I could go to the firesides.  I could get a tinder profile. And those ideas are just so unappealing.

I think my boys would freak out if I dated someone. So am I just stuck. Yet I don't want to really put myself out there. They are probably all porn addicts anyway. 

I'm guessing I still have too much betrayal trauma to feel any enthusiasm for it. Yet at the same time it kind of hurts how easy it is for him.  That women just crawl out of the woodwork and come from nowhere.

And A is going on a mission. She made it into byu.  She clearly has Friends and does fun exciting stuff.  She is where I want An Heritage #2 to be.  Instead she is not in school and spends her nights who knows where and has nothing to do with the church.

This is just so how I didn't see myself.  I don't really want to go back to the time where men were just not interested in me. I think that's how I ended up with H-er in the first place. I took the first guy why showed interest because I thought I was getting old and it was never going to happen.

I'm just not what guys are looking for.

It would probably be better just to break off communication with H-er. Like a clean break. Otherwise it's going to just keep getting rubbed in my face. 

And focus on having girlfriends and spending time with my sisters and kids.  That is my future and my life and that can be more rewarding than superficial dates with lustful men who really aren't interested in me as a woman of God.

I think that's where some of the pain comes from.  Being who I am is just not appealing to men.  They want exciting, fun, sexy, and young. And that's just not me.

I'm cerebral, practical, have emotional baggage, and a homebody.   I'm not going to meet anyone sitting with my boys in sacrament meeting, doodling in Sunday school, and playing the piano in relief society.   The righteous man of my patriarchal blessing isn't going to just happen to sit next to me at church, introduce himself, and propose. 

My patriarchal blessing doesn't say ANYTHING about divorce. It does say that thru my good and righteous associations I would be privileged to meet a righteous priesthood holder who would take me to the temple.  And that my companion husband would need my support to lead my family in righteousness.

So vague. Is it too late?  Was this about my second marriage? was this supposed to be about my first and that opportunity has passed me by?  Should I just reconcile myself to my single unappealing state? 

I'll have to share with my sister who is divorcing because of porn addiction.  Hopefully she won't be blindsided by her emotions like me when I realized just how easy it is for him to move on to other women. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Because even though mentally I think about dating or meeting someone e or putting myself out there, when push comes to shove I just can't do it.  My very self rebels against it for whatever reason. Distrust?  Disinterest? Feeling that it's just not worth it? That I'll create a profile and no one will click on it?  That the men will decide it's just not worth it? 

So there it is. For now.