Distressed

At yoga tonight I cried.  I'm still not exactly sure what I was crying about. So I'm going to just brainstorm.  Whatever thoughts come to my head i'm going to write them.  Because once I stop suppressing them, they can get out and maybe what's under it all will be illuminated.  It may look or sound disjointed. But here they are:

It's so easy for him.  I don't even know where he meets them.  Is he just randomly friend requesting people?  He says he is "targeting" good Mormon women.  Where is he finding them?

He probably started going to karaoke again. He probably has a dating profile.

He was at a freaking gas station and a woman asked him for his number.

It makes me feel unattractive and less because i don't really want to date anyone. Yet at the same time no one is pursuing me. No one comes up to me at random places and expresses interest in me.

Part of me is horrified.  I guess I could do profiles on dating sites.  I could go to the firesides.  I could get a tinder profile. And those ideas are just so unappealing.

I think my boys would freak out if I dated someone. So am I just stuck. Yet I don't want to really put myself out there. They are probably all porn addicts anyway. 

I'm guessing I still have too much betrayal trauma to feel any enthusiasm for it. Yet at the same time it kind of hurts how easy it is for him.  That women just crawl out of the woodwork and come from nowhere.

And A is going on a mission. She made it into byu.  She clearly has Friends and does fun exciting stuff.  She is where I want An Heritage #2 to be.  Instead she is not in school and spends her nights who knows where and has nothing to do with the church.

This is just so how I didn't see myself.  I don't really want to go back to the time where men were just not interested in me. I think that's how I ended up with H-er in the first place. I took the first guy why showed interest because I thought I was getting old and it was never going to happen.

I'm just not what guys are looking for.

It would probably be better just to break off communication with H-er. Like a clean break. Otherwise it's going to just keep getting rubbed in my face. 

And focus on having girlfriends and spending time with my sisters and kids.  That is my future and my life and that can be more rewarding than superficial dates with lustful men who really aren't interested in me as a woman of God.

I think that's where some of the pain comes from.  Being who I am is just not appealing to men.  They want exciting, fun, sexy, and young. And that's just not me.

I'm cerebral, practical, have emotional baggage, and a homebody.   I'm not going to meet anyone sitting with my boys in sacrament meeting, doodling in Sunday school, and playing the piano in relief society.   The righteous man of my patriarchal blessing isn't going to just happen to sit next to me at church, introduce himself, and propose. 

My patriarchal blessing doesn't say ANYTHING about divorce. It does say that thru my good and righteous associations I would be privileged to meet a righteous priesthood holder who would take me to the temple.  And that my companion husband would need my support to lead my family in righteousness.

So vague. Is it too late?  Was this about my second marriage? was this supposed to be about my first and that opportunity has passed me by?  Should I just reconcile myself to my single unappealing state? 

I'll have to share with my sister who is divorcing because of porn addiction.  Hopefully she won't be blindsided by her emotions like me when I realized just how easy it is for him to move on to other women. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Because even though mentally I think about dating or meeting someone e or putting myself out there, when push comes to shove I just can't do it.  My very self rebels against it for whatever reason. Distrust?  Disinterest? Feeling that it's just not worth it? That I'll create a profile and no one will click on it?  That the men will decide it's just not worth it? 

So there it is. For now.