Nauseous

In 2002 the Society of Rangeland Management held their annual meeting in Kansas City.  This was significant because 1.  H-er was competing in it and 2. That's where my family lived.  I decided I wanted to go but instead of staying with H-er I wanted to stay with my family.

At this point we'd already had two years of counseling at BYU. Not for sex addiction.  We were in counseling to learn how to communicate and because he had hit me and a judge  had ordered it as part of his plea in abeyance.

H-er didn't understand why I didn't want him to come with me for the two days prior to the conference.  Why he was being left out.

Home represented safety for me.  I was loved unconditionally there.  No one swore at me.  No one threatened me.  No one manipulated me there.  When I went home I recharged.  I was  Lugio from Mario Brothers when he eats a mushroom. 

I couldn't bear for him to be in my place of safety.  He'd taken everything else from me.  He couldn't have that too.

That time I prevailed.  Probably because the counselor heard me even if H-er didn't.

There were many other trips where he did come along.  Trips where I had to advise my family not to let him use their computers.  (This was before wifi so if you didn't have the password to the computer you didn't have access to the internet).  Trips where I made excuses.  He was feeling sick and that's why he wasn't going to church with us.

However by the summer of 2013 I left him behind more often than not.  It was easy because he was working and living in Utah and I was in Arizona.  But now I had a dilemma.  My brother was getting married in Portland and I was planning a big trip up the coast with my family.  We were going all out.  The Redwoods, the Pacific Coast Highway all the way up.   Did I dare leave him out of that? I agonized for weeks before I called him and asked him if he wanted to come--but only with conditions.

At some point he would have to sacrifice sex due to lack of privacy.

We would be camping and sharing tents and hotel rooms and renting a house together where there would be no privacy.  He needed to decide if making memories with us was worth this sacrifice.  He blustered and huffed but eventually agreed.  I buried my misgivings and made plans.

Things went well for the first few days.  We spent an afternoon at the beach in Santa Barbara and saw many beautiful sights through Northern California.  The kids were missing 9 days of school so as part of their homework they had to write down what they did each day.  They had lots to write about.

We made it to the redwoods where we met up with my dad and several of my brothers and sisters.    Up to this point H-er had been able to send the kids off to hotel pools or set our two man tent up off on its own.  But once we hit Oregon the tents were right next to each other.  So no more privacy. 

One of my sisters had said we were going to take our time and stop whenever we saw anything picture worthy. This irritated H-er because we probably were stopping every 5 miles. 

At one point H-er took off with An Heritage #3 and a brother in law and in a text said "we'll see you in Eugene".  I lost it.  On the side of the road. In Oregon.  Even with spotty coverage he got the message that if he didn't turn around and bring my son back to me when I finally did catch up with him I would make his life A. Living. Hell. Luckily my brother in law could hear me screaming and took me seriously and pulled over. 

We proceeded up the coast as if nothing has happened.  Until the rental home in Eugene.  When I told H-er there would be no privacy I meant it. There were 33 of us in this house.  A house that sleeps 16 according to VRBO. 

But he was determined.  It was a nice night with a breeze.  Everyone was sleeping with the windows open.  H-er set up an air mattress on the back porch and covered it with sheets and a blanket. All that was missing were candles and rose petals.   "Look. I've arranged for us to have some privacy".

I tried to be firm.  I was sick. We had discussed this.  We had agreed.  For over an hour he belittled me and insulted me and harangued me as I cried and begged him not to make me.  "He had needs.   It had been two days. This wasn't fair to him." All in hushed voices though I feared my family and all the neighbors could hear. Finally at 2am he demanded I take him to the airport.  He was leaving right then. And he didn't care who knew.  I agreed.  I just wanted him gone. He changed his mind. 

I gave in.  He would have gone on all night.   And I was afraid my family would find out the horror that was my marriage. 

The next week as I emptied An Heritage #3's backpack I came across his final essay.   The last sentence read "and the best part about the whole trip was that my dad came."