Relapse.
One thing I’ve come across as I’ve read about recovery is that relapse
is inevitable. I think this is the single thing driving my decision to
divorce H-er. Say he does seriously start to work a 12 step program and
gains sobriety even for a short time. I can’t bear to go through the
inescapable relapse. It fills me with terror. I’ve survived
all these years because I went numb. I’ve discussed this with my
therapist. I can turn the emotion off. I become numb and I’ve
gotten very good at it. It allows me to function. But I lose
that protection as I work my own program. I believe I can’t survive
a relapse if I have to actually feel it.
But there are two parts to relapse. There is the addict who
relapses and then there is the co-addict who relapses too. That’s
me. I hate being a co-addict. I hate looking at this list of 37
symptoms and being able to say I am currently doing a lot of them. That
means it’s time for a meeting and some self-care. I can do
that at least. It’s a step in the right direction.
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