Wretched

Here’s my thought process over the last week:

I screwed up.  I listened to my conscience.  Instead of just going to the court and getting a default divorce and sending it to H-er because he hasn't done the parenting class or responded and let's be honest--because he is still sleeping with HER--I thought "that's blindsiding him.  That's deceitful.  I should tell him I have a court date."   

See he didn't really believe I was going to divorce him.  But now he believes and is starting to ask questions.  He might even get a lawyer. So the quick turnaround will come to a screeching halt and drag out and probably get expensive as I have to hire a lawyer. 

Joy! Joy! Joy!

In this moment listening to my conscience feels like I’m shooting myself in the foot.  It feels powerless.

All because I was thinking of the temple recommend question about honesty.   I was thinking that if I wasn’t honest and fair in my dealings with him that I wasn’t being a person of integrity.

And now I'm regretting it.  Even now I want to move the court date up.  I don't want him to contest my interpretation of "fair". What does that say about my character and my commitment to integrity?

What does that say about my faith in God to look out for me? I guess it's time for me to take a second look at my character.  This divorce might actually be the making of my character.

 

 

I read an article on lds.org about honesty and how we should look at honesty from God’s point of view.  (there’s no room for grey).

So here it is:

Honesty from Gods point of view. 

This is complete honesty.

I should tell him that I have a court date set and when and that if he doesn’t respond he has no say (even though it said that in the paperwork that was served on him). I should tell him I am asking for all the cash in our savings when he says it should be his.  I should tell him that I am asking for over 900 child support a month when he only wants to pay 300.

 

 

So I did it.  It was painful.   I spent the next three days crying and negotiating.  I’m getting the cash but I’m only getting $500 a month for child support.

(I’m suppressing the anger about that right now—he said he’d check himself into an insane asylum if I asked for 900 and I’d never see a penny, after breaking down how it would only cost me 300 a month to raise two teenage boys and so I should be grateful that he is now paying extra and telling me about how he doesn’t make ANYTHING when I have access to his ebay account and can see plain as day that in the last 90 days he’s sold over $17000 of stuff and has over 3000 items currently listed and in the last six month’s he’s sold over $36000 AND his former business partners pay him an additional 1000 a month as they are buying his stake in the company AND he has over $80,000 invested in other areas paying a return).

So I was honest.  Now I have to work on the anger – because if I’m angry that means I’m judging and condemning him and one of the other recommend questions is:   Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

3 Nephi 12:22-24

22 But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
 23 Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—
 24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

 

 

 

Confirmed

How many times have I said "if only I could see a flashing neon sign!"  I'd know I was making the right decision.

Well this weekend we had a special stake conference and one of the members of the presidency of the seventy was chosen to speak to us. He chose to speak to us about pornography.  He shared that he was on an advisory council with the first presidency that reviewed letters from women who had been victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse stemming from pornography.  At one point President Hinckley said "stay away from this.  It DESTROYS families".  He talked about how pornography escalates and ends in infidelity.

He has reviewed THOUSANDS of cases and in EVERY one the abuser blamed it on the person they were abusing.

Nephi received divine confirmation to SEPARATE from his brothers for the safety of his family.

I might have received divine confirmation to SEPARATE from the abuser for my personal safety and the safety of my family.  If I wish to participate in ordinances I MUST forgive him.  (It may take time).

He was very clear.   Even though it seems unfair I must forgive him. BUT that doesn't mean I must trust him.  TRUST MUST BE EARNED.

If there ever was a blinking neon light this was it.  Every word out of his mouth, in the order it came out was the story of my marriage and my thought processes. Laid out in perfect order. 

Faith precedes the miracle. My father told me sometimes you have to make the decision and go with it and if it's wrong Heavenly Father will let you know.  It will quickly become obvious.  So I made my decision and acted and here is my miracle.

Dry-eyed

(written January 7)

I can't sleep because I'm clearly wound up.  The last few days have been building to this point.  The tension between H-er and I has been increasing. 

I guess I can only go with the flow and put everything aside for so long. I was starting to feel the need for routine again (not that I have a hard and fast one but I do have one). 

Already we'd been up until midnight and up by 7 for two days in a row. And then I came home from work to find his guns spread out everywhere and he'd moved stuff around in the garage to get to his gun cabinet and as I pulled up he and a friend were carting it into the house.

He had to move my furniture around so he could find a "place" for it. 

I tripped over a case of bullets as I walked into my bedroom and then as I went downstairs I found him pulling everything out of the closet so he could get his bike out to show it to his friend.

"Don't worry.  I'll put it all back". He said. That was it for me. I was triggered and I couldn't hold back the negativity. I left him in no doubt about my feelings towards him. 

It took him until 11 to clean all his guns and put everything back.  And then he wanted to talk about how unfair it is for me to be annoyed.  I was lectured that if I "would just look for the good" everything would be all right. 

An adulterer--present tense, as in he hasn't broken things off with his mistress--is standing in my bedroom telling me to "look for the good".   When he says crap like that to me it shuts me down faster than anything.  All I can do is seethe.  And of course I went to bed at midnight again.

So Thursday as I'm leaving work he calls to complain that An Heritage #2 has locked him out of the house.  As I drive through hail I get to listen to him complain that he wanted her to open a new account and he was going to take her and she said "I'll go get my debit card" and proceeded to go in the house and lock the door and "I wonder where she learned that passive aggressive behavior from".

I wanted to hang up right then. Instead I said "insulting me is not going to get you any support from me".   And in my mind I was thinking "she was trapped in a car with you where you were no doubt trying to force something on her and she felt her only option was to appease you and escape as quickly as possible" because I have been there with him soooo many times. 

So I mentioned it.  "She might have felt like you were trying to control her". And of course he insisted he didn't do anything of the kind.

During this time #2 called and left a message all about how he was freaking out and out of control and trying to force her to go to the bank and would I please answer.  When I called her she said that on the way to the cell phone store he went on and on about how I was stupid and not good with money and that I was stubborn and wouldn't accept a good idea unless it was mine and then said she was the same way.  And then when they got home she said he insisted she log in and show him her account and where she was spending her money and when she wouldn't he said "we're going to the bank right now".

Brilliant.  Insult her mother and then insult her.   And then try to invade her privacy where you have no legal right and throw in a little bullying on top of it.

Has she blown every penny she's earned for the last four weeks?  Yes. Does someone need to sit down with her and work out a budget?  Yes.  However, it needs to be done with respect, honoring the fact that she is NOT a child anymore and with the understanding that she has free agency and can choose NOT to follow your advice (and suffer the natural consequences of having no money and thus not able to get or do what she wants).

So he begins a rant about how if she isn't outside with his car keys and her cell phone in five minutes he is taking it all away and I say "ok". Finally he says "how much do you want for child support and let's just get this over with".   I ask him what he thinks is fair and he says "$300".  The loser thinks 150 per kid is the extent of his obligation to support his children. I hate him in this moment. On behalf of my children who he apparently values at $150. He paid his ex-wife 300 a month for #1 and that was after they subtracted the cost of the healthcare insurance we were paying and support for his other three children.  Yes.  I hate him in that moment.

So I finally get home and take the boys to piano and #2 escapes to a babysitting job and H-er starts in on me.  I have used up all my good will towards him now though.  I interrupt him to tell him that I am not getting involved with his relationship with #2. I will not sit down with him to negotiate with her and that he does not get to make any conditions regarding her ability to live with me.  We are getting divorced and one of the things that goes along with that is that adult relationships with his adult children are his to build or lose.   That is not my burden.

He makes a comment about us being a team and again I interrupt him.  "You are NOT on my team.  Players who make touchdowns in the other team's end zone or dunk the ball in the other team's basket don't get to play anymore.  They are off the team".  

He pauses and then gets teary-eyed. "I need another chance".

"I gave you one"

"When?"  I don't know why it always surprises me that he can't remember this conversation that we've had soooo many times.

"When I came to Utah and brought you home.  When you called and said you needed help and you couldn't get home on your own so I flew up and spent a day boxing you up and brought you back home".

He paused again as it is sinking in that he's really blown it. 

I am exhausted so I go to bed at 9:30 and at 10 he comes up and turns my light on and starts going through stuff that he wants to pack (completely ignoring that I had told him I wanted to be in bed by 10 because I wanted 8 hours of sleep one night this week). I remind him and he says "well I was going to leave tomorrow".

So I get boxes from the garage and we pick out everything he wants to take.  We get more stuff downstairs.  And then we discuss furniture and paintings and the TV and dishes and camping gear. I give him whatever he wants but give into a moment of weakness and snark when he takes the tent (I suggest he doesn't want to miss out on taking any of his girlfriends camping--an homage to his blatant slap in the face when I "gifted" him with the trust building exercise of camping with his guy friends and he spent the weekend with his mistress instead)  Finally his car is loaded and he goes to kiss the boys goodbye.  

As he walks out the door he is crying.

And I find that while I'm a mixed bag of emotions and not able to sleep, I'm quite dry-eyed.

 

Note:  it wasn't until after I wrote this out that I was able to cry.  As I explained to my sister, the tears were more in recognition of an ending.  (See President Uchtdorf's talk)

 

We Are Not Made for Endings

In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

 

 

Indignant

Because H-er spent the holidays with us I found myself angry quite a few times.  To stay sane I sent myself notes every time I felt my anger escalating so I wouldn't hold onto it.  Parts of it are raw and ugly.


NOTE 1:

I am pissed.

He's still screwing her.

He said he'd do whatever it takes. He swore he'd break it off with her.  He says I'm the only one he wants to be with.  And then he has the unmitigated gall to say he won't be faithful to me until I fully commit to him.  In effect, he is holding his fidelity hostage unless I comply with his demands.

My vengeful dream is to start working out and get a smoking hot body, pay thousands for a new mouth, and somehow snag a rich attractive husband.  And have him wallow in his lonely misery with an older fat drunk foul mouthed jealous insecure woman.

That makes me smile.

But really I just need to face the pain. It hurts.  It's painful.  It's lonely.  It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, used, not good enough, and depressed.

I'm not really looking forward to my lonely future. 

NOTE 2

It's really going to happen.  I'm really going to get divorced.   What that really looks like:

I will be solely responsible for all my own bills and providing for myself.  I won't get any money from H-er.

I won't be able to call him with concerns about the kids.

I won't have any man who ever calls me just to talk.

No gifts from a man.  No one to hold me or snuggle with or keep me warm or hold hands with.

I'll always be without a plus one.

Other women will fear me.

I'll have to raise my children alone

I'll have to send my boys off where they will meet people I don't approve of and will have memories I don't share.

I'll have to spend holidays and part of the summer away from my boys.

I'll have to face other women that H-er shows up with (and they will be younger and better looking and thinner than me).

 

NOTE 3

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you are going to go back and have sex with her again."

"If you have sex with me I promise I won't ever have contact with her again."

"You already promised that."

"Not if you had sex with me." (in other words, he promised to not have sex with her but didn't promise to not have sex with her if I had sex with him--in his mind these are totally different).

************

He really believes he can convince me to have sex again with him.  It doesn't matter how many times I tell him that I won't BECAUSE he's recently had sex with someone else.   He just doesn't hear me.

*****************

The thing that really annoys me is his mindset (and the energy he spends trying to convince me) that if I will commit to him fully and start having sex with him that he will be faithful but that until I do so he is free to continue his affair.

That because I filed for divorce our marriage and any obligation to fidelity was null and void that day so he is excused for continuing his affair and I should not consider it.

 

NOTE 4

 

 

H-er decided to sit down with An Heritage #2 and advise her (and tell her she needs to go to church)

"What makes you think it's okay to smoke pot?" he asks.

"It was only once. I've had other opportunities but didn't do it." she justifies. 

He really didn't like that answer.

This overheard conversation sure made me chuckle.  It was almost word for word our conversation from earlier that week.

"What makes you think it's okay to cheat?" I asked.

"It was only with one woman.  I've had other opportunities and didn't do it." he justifies.  

 

 

 

 

 

Optimistic

I have finally finished my fourth step.  I found my lists from the first time I worked the program and I was able to add to them.  It was painful to read through all the abusive, demeaning, and hurtful things H-er has said to me over the years.

It was painful to write down our history and record the dates and details of all the things I have felt resentment, betrayal, bitterness, anger, hurt, vengeful, and spiteful about. 

I stand at the edge of a precipice.   It seems like so many things are coming to this one point.

My counselor feels that after the five years of trauma counseling I have worked through enough that I don't need regular visits anymore.  The anger that I've been harboring has largely been released through the fourth step and by facing all the feelings underneath.  And I feel a great sense of peace about my decision to pursue the divorce.   Even the dreaded 8AM church time will change next week.

I've edited my story - where before it was detailed and explicit, I've toned it down to reflect the release of my resentments and bitterness.  I felt it was time.

It's time for me to find a sponsor and share all I've written and learned about myself.