Indignant

Because H-er spent the holidays with us I found myself angry quite a few times.  To stay sane I sent myself notes every time I felt my anger escalating so I wouldn't hold onto it.  Parts of it are raw and ugly.


NOTE 1:

I am pissed.

He's still screwing her.

He said he'd do whatever it takes. He swore he'd break it off with her.  He says I'm the only one he wants to be with.  And then he has the unmitigated gall to say he won't be faithful to me until I fully commit to him.  In effect, he is holding his fidelity hostage unless I comply with his demands.

My vengeful dream is to start working out and get a smoking hot body, pay thousands for a new mouth, and somehow snag a rich attractive husband.  And have him wallow in his lonely misery with an older fat drunk foul mouthed jealous insecure woman.

That makes me smile.

But really I just need to face the pain. It hurts.  It's painful.  It's lonely.  It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, used, not good enough, and depressed.

I'm not really looking forward to my lonely future. 

NOTE 2

It's really going to happen.  I'm really going to get divorced.   What that really looks like:

I will be solely responsible for all my own bills and providing for myself.  I won't get any money from H-er.

I won't be able to call him with concerns about the kids.

I won't have any man who ever calls me just to talk.

No gifts from a man.  No one to hold me or snuggle with or keep me warm or hold hands with.

I'll always be without a plus one.

Other women will fear me.

I'll have to raise my children alone

I'll have to send my boys off where they will meet people I don't approve of and will have memories I don't share.

I'll have to spend holidays and part of the summer away from my boys.

I'll have to face other women that H-er shows up with (and they will be younger and better looking and thinner than me).

 

NOTE 3

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you are going to go back and have sex with her again."

"If you have sex with me I promise I won't ever have contact with her again."

"You already promised that."

"Not if you had sex with me." (in other words, he promised to not have sex with her but didn't promise to not have sex with her if I had sex with him--in his mind these are totally different).

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He really believes he can convince me to have sex again with him.  It doesn't matter how many times I tell him that I won't BECAUSE he's recently had sex with someone else.   He just doesn't hear me.

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The thing that really annoys me is his mindset (and the energy he spends trying to convince me) that if I will commit to him fully and start having sex with him that he will be faithful but that until I do so he is free to continue his affair.

That because I filed for divorce our marriage and any obligation to fidelity was null and void that day so he is excused for continuing his affair and I should not consider it.

 

NOTE 4

 

 

H-er decided to sit down with An Heritage #2 and advise her (and tell her she needs to go to church)

"What makes you think it's okay to smoke pot?" he asks.

"It was only once. I've had other opportunities but didn't do it." she justifies. 

He really didn't like that answer.

This overheard conversation sure made me chuckle.  It was almost word for word our conversation from earlier that week.

"What makes you think it's okay to cheat?" I asked.

"It was only with one woman.  I've had other opportunities and didn't do it." he justifies.