Dry-eyed

(written January 7)

I can't sleep because I'm clearly wound up.  The last few days have been building to this point.  The tension between H-er and I has been increasing. 

I guess I can only go with the flow and put everything aside for so long. I was starting to feel the need for routine again (not that I have a hard and fast one but I do have one). 

Already we'd been up until midnight and up by 7 for two days in a row. And then I came home from work to find his guns spread out everywhere and he'd moved stuff around in the garage to get to his gun cabinet and as I pulled up he and a friend were carting it into the house.

He had to move my furniture around so he could find a "place" for it. 

I tripped over a case of bullets as I walked into my bedroom and then as I went downstairs I found him pulling everything out of the closet so he could get his bike out to show it to his friend.

"Don't worry.  I'll put it all back". He said. That was it for me. I was triggered and I couldn't hold back the negativity. I left him in no doubt about my feelings towards him. 

It took him until 11 to clean all his guns and put everything back.  And then he wanted to talk about how unfair it is for me to be annoyed.  I was lectured that if I "would just look for the good" everything would be all right. 

An adulterer--present tense, as in he hasn't broken things off with his mistress--is standing in my bedroom telling me to "look for the good".   When he says crap like that to me it shuts me down faster than anything.  All I can do is seethe.  And of course I went to bed at midnight again.

So Thursday as I'm leaving work he calls to complain that An Heritage #2 has locked him out of the house.  As I drive through hail I get to listen to him complain that he wanted her to open a new account and he was going to take her and she said "I'll go get my debit card" and proceeded to go in the house and lock the door and "I wonder where she learned that passive aggressive behavior from".

I wanted to hang up right then. Instead I said "insulting me is not going to get you any support from me".   And in my mind I was thinking "she was trapped in a car with you where you were no doubt trying to force something on her and she felt her only option was to appease you and escape as quickly as possible" because I have been there with him soooo many times. 

So I mentioned it.  "She might have felt like you were trying to control her". And of course he insisted he didn't do anything of the kind.

During this time #2 called and left a message all about how he was freaking out and out of control and trying to force her to go to the bank and would I please answer.  When I called her she said that on the way to the cell phone store he went on and on about how I was stupid and not good with money and that I was stubborn and wouldn't accept a good idea unless it was mine and then said she was the same way.  And then when they got home she said he insisted she log in and show him her account and where she was spending her money and when she wouldn't he said "we're going to the bank right now".

Brilliant.  Insult her mother and then insult her.   And then try to invade her privacy where you have no legal right and throw in a little bullying on top of it.

Has she blown every penny she's earned for the last four weeks?  Yes. Does someone need to sit down with her and work out a budget?  Yes.  However, it needs to be done with respect, honoring the fact that she is NOT a child anymore and with the understanding that she has free agency and can choose NOT to follow your advice (and suffer the natural consequences of having no money and thus not able to get or do what she wants).

So he begins a rant about how if she isn't outside with his car keys and her cell phone in five minutes he is taking it all away and I say "ok". Finally he says "how much do you want for child support and let's just get this over with".   I ask him what he thinks is fair and he says "$300".  The loser thinks 150 per kid is the extent of his obligation to support his children. I hate him in this moment. On behalf of my children who he apparently values at $150. He paid his ex-wife 300 a month for #1 and that was after they subtracted the cost of the healthcare insurance we were paying and support for his other three children.  Yes.  I hate him in that moment.

So I finally get home and take the boys to piano and #2 escapes to a babysitting job and H-er starts in on me.  I have used up all my good will towards him now though.  I interrupt him to tell him that I am not getting involved with his relationship with #2. I will not sit down with him to negotiate with her and that he does not get to make any conditions regarding her ability to live with me.  We are getting divorced and one of the things that goes along with that is that adult relationships with his adult children are his to build or lose.   That is not my burden.

He makes a comment about us being a team and again I interrupt him.  "You are NOT on my team.  Players who make touchdowns in the other team's end zone or dunk the ball in the other team's basket don't get to play anymore.  They are off the team".  

He pauses and then gets teary-eyed. "I need another chance".

"I gave you one"

"When?"  I don't know why it always surprises me that he can't remember this conversation that we've had soooo many times.

"When I came to Utah and brought you home.  When you called and said you needed help and you couldn't get home on your own so I flew up and spent a day boxing you up and brought you back home".

He paused again as it is sinking in that he's really blown it. 

I am exhausted so I go to bed at 9:30 and at 10 he comes up and turns my light on and starts going through stuff that he wants to pack (completely ignoring that I had told him I wanted to be in bed by 10 because I wanted 8 hours of sleep one night this week). I remind him and he says "well I was going to leave tomorrow".

So I get boxes from the garage and we pick out everything he wants to take.  We get more stuff downstairs.  And then we discuss furniture and paintings and the TV and dishes and camping gear. I give him whatever he wants but give into a moment of weakness and snark when he takes the tent (I suggest he doesn't want to miss out on taking any of his girlfriends camping--an homage to his blatant slap in the face when I "gifted" him with the trust building exercise of camping with his guy friends and he spent the weekend with his mistress instead)  Finally his car is loaded and he goes to kiss the boys goodbye.  

As he walks out the door he is crying.

And I find that while I'm a mixed bag of emotions and not able to sleep, I'm quite dry-eyed.

 

Note:  it wasn't until after I wrote this out that I was able to cry.  As I explained to my sister, the tears were more in recognition of an ending.  (See President Uchtdorf's talk)

 

We Are Not Made for Endings

In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.