Despondent

I know there are emotions roiling under the surface.  I know I don't want to face them.  But I also know I just need to cry. So maybe by writing it all out I'll break past my numbness.

First An Heritage #2. 

She was in a car that rolled six times. WHAT THE H!  She says she should be dead.  Yet her behavior continues.  She still stays out all night.  She still hangs out with S.  She wants to be in a relationship with S.  Who has said he is incapable of loving anyone including his family.  He wouldn't care if they were dead.  Who has been to a mental hospital twice.  Who didn't graduate from high school. Who was addicted to drugs.   Who smokes.  Who doesn't go anywhere unless he's alone. Who wrote a suicide note and weighted himself down and threw himself into a pool. This is the kind of person my daughter wants to be with. This is the person she says she can never get tired of being with.  That she can sit for an hour and just watch him fold laundry.

All because of my choices.  I chose to sin with h-er.  Then I chose to marry him.  And then she was sexually abused by H-er's nephew.  And witnesses H-er with his hands around my throat and heard him say "get out.  I'm going to kill your mother" and she ran and hid in fear under the desk. And then in my anger I told her of her father's adultery and now she wants nothing to do with him.  Who tried to take her own life and now wants nothing to do with the gospel.  Who was jealous of her best friend and wanted her family instead.

This is the consequence of my choices.

And I have two more children.

The cycle will never be broken. It will just continue on.  I should never have had children.  There is no comfort to be had. I don't see how the atonement or any of the plan can possibly make up for any of this.   How am I supposed to tell my children to turn to the gospel and the atonement when I can't find comfort from it?

When I was a child playing with markers and colored pencils and crayons and light-brite pieces and sorting them into families.  Families were my whole world. I sang "when i grow up.  I want to be a mother and have a family" over and over.

This was never what I imagined. I never imagined being married outside the temple, cheated on, abused, divorced, distrustful of all men and anything H-er says, and broken.  Sobbing on my bed and hating the plan. 

And letting go of H-er isn't so easy.  Maybe if I never heard from him.  But he texts just often enough that it keeps the link there.  But I distrust EVERYTHING he says. That's no way to live.  I should just let go. I should just move on. IT IS OVER.