Self-Flagellation

Apparently I have just been deluding myself that I don't feel anger towards H-er anymore.  Because something triggered me and the anger came boiling up.

Maybe it’s a combination of everything over the last few weeks: 

The spring break text promising his sober attention but then I walked into my room and he was sitting on my bed talking to a woman he is interested in.   Undivided sober attention?

Or that a GORGEOUS woman hit on him at a gas station on his way down. (And he told me about it)

Or when I woke up at 3am and he had left my house...for hours.

And how he would be on his phone constantly shielding it from me and when I joked about it he said "I don't want to hurt you".

When he came home from eating with B who asked him if he really thought it was realistic thinking we could work things out because B can't go more than two days without sex so how does H-er think he can and H-er thought that made perfect sense. 

Or when he said he was only seeking out faithful LDS women and I pointed out that he'd have to abstain from sex with them before marriage and he didn't have an answer.

Or when he started loading his car at the end of the week and picked a fight with me over An Heritage #2’s PS3 controller in front of everyone and made me cry. 

When he still says he loves me and asks if I'll remarry him in 90 days if he checks himself into a rehab facility.  

And how it was so easy to fall into old patterns as if we were still married.  (Except no sex).

It's cruel is what it is.  It's cruel how easy he can find women.  It's horrible how I struggle to even create a dating profile and how it really just makes me sick to my stomach when I think about dating anyone.  It's horrible that I feel old, uninteresting, used up, hopeless, and that this is the end for me.  That my only options are porn addicts.   Because why else would any man be my age and available.  There just can't be a good reason for any man to be 45 and single. And so I have no good options.  Single and alone by choice, single and alone because no one wants me, or a magnet to sex addicts.

Because from what I hear there are few good men and astronomical numbers of porn addicts.  That's just crap. So much for the promises in my patriarchal blessing.  I turned my nose up at that all those years ago when I got desperate and settled for H-er because I was afraid I was getting old and ON THE SHELF.     I wish I'd had more faith and strength of character at 21.

So really the anger is hiding my disappointment in myself, fear of the future, betrayal (yet again), and the pain of broken promises (again).

So just feel the pain of it Girl because anger sucks and is debilitating. I want the peace of facing my pain and moving past it.   And darn it all I need to stick to boundaries.  Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.