unfinished

I've noticed that most of these blogs stop at the divorce.  There's nothing to read about immediately after.  Nothing about the struggle to find normalcy or adjust to what is supposed to be a new relationship.  So for those of you who wonder what it looks like--here it is (over the next few posts) with all its awkward and painful mistakes.  These posts were written last month but not posted until now.   

Spring break was approaching which meant visitation.  So I called H-er to schedule drop off and pick up times. 

He suggested that because of his uncertain housing situation it might be better for him to come down to Arizona if that was all right with me.

That felt safer for my boys so I agreed under the condition that he understood that we are no longer married and he has no rights when it comes to me.

He sent a text to me:

I have realized how much I neglected you over the years and have felt much sorrow and loss the last few weeks. I want to give you something this next week that I haven't given you nor the kids in years. My undivided, sober attention.  I love you.

So he showed up that Saturday night and Sunday morning he went to church with us. It was all very civil.  Then Monday night I came up the stairs to find him in my room with the door closed on the phone.  He was talking to a woman.

This is where I was blind-sided by emotion.  We are divorced.  I should have no expectations right?  Yet he sent that text to me.  So I did.  I expected him not to be in my room flirting with another woman over the phone.  And it hurt that it appears that he so easily was moving on.  Intellectually I know he is checked out and he needs that constant fulfillment of women desiring him. But emotionally it was devastating to see how easy it looked.  I mean just thinking about seeing other men made me queasy.

So my reaction:  I started an online dating profile.  I got just far enough to feel better about myself and now it sits half-finished--reflecting perfectly my emotional state.