Disconnected

I haven't done much praying lately.  I tried a little while back.  But I'd start only to find myself with a completely blank mind. I found myself with nothing to say. 

Tonight I started my prayer and it was the same emptiness.  So I said that.  And that lead to me confessing that I just really didn't want to feel.  And somehow underneath that I think I was communicating with my sub conscience that I don't want to mourn the loss of a dream. 

Finally I was able to articulate what that dream is. 

Our first holiday as a married couple.  Memorial Day.   I came home from work on that Friday to find a message from my husband on the answering machine. "I've gone fishing with the guys.  Be back Monday"

Keep in mind this was early cell phone days.  People still used pagers.  We as poor newly married students didn't have those luxuries yet.

I was frantic.  My husband had abandoned me, his pregnant wife, on our first married holiday.  He hadn't even asked permission. He just informed me by voicemail.  Granted, I didn't have much experience with marriage but I was pretty sure that wasn't the done thing.

I think I tried to call my parents and must have left a scary message on their machine before I actually drove up the canyon thinking I could find him.   A hundred potholes later I realized what a lost cause that was. When I got home there were lots of messages.  From aunts and grandparents  and sisters all telling me they loved me.  The word was out.  #1 grandchild was in crisis.  And if there is one thing you should know about my mom's family it's that they step up to the plate when someone is in need. 

In the end I got a blessing from one of his few married friends who hadn't gone fishing with the boys.   In the blessing I was promised that one day H-er and I would be sealed in the temple.

And there it is--the thing I've been hanging onto for the last 20 years. This is what I'm finally letting go.  This is what I'm finally admitting.  It's not going to happen.  He is not going to miraculously become a new person, get re-baptized, and take our family to the temple.

All these years I have lowered my expectations and buried myself behind walls of coping and defense mechanisms.  I have explained away and excused and forgiven his actions and abuse because I was clinging to a promise made in a blessing two months into my marriage.   One that was never repeated in any successive blessings over 20 years by the way.

And the more I think about it the more it bugs me.  Who did he think he was, this friend that so casually made this promise in a blessing.  See trust is a big thing.  And I trust blessings.  Clearly.  I knowingly stayed married to a full blown sex addict for 20 years.  Because of a blessing. 

"I'm not sure if I can trust You." I finally said that in my prayer too.   At least we're talking now.