Incredulous

How could she just throw it all away?

She calls me and says. "They are releasing me in about an hour and then at 3 I'm supposed to come back for counseling.  After that I am meeting with my humanities group to work on our project"

As if she hasn't just changed everything.  As if there aren't consequences.

Now she expects me to put a down payment on a motorcycle.  A sports one in a certain color that goes fast. And she wants me to get a trailer so she can take it to college with her in April.

Do you hear all the implied expectations in there?

1.  I am responsible for providing her transportation

2.  She is actually going to get to go back to school
3.  Life can just pick up where she left off.
4.  I'm going to pay for her college (all her money will go to paying off the motorcycle)

What about the medical bills?  What about the 1500 rent we don't get back?  What about the 500 tuition we don't get back? What about the 500 gas I don't get back?  What about the 300 supplies I don't get back? What about the trust I don't get back?

I am angry with her.  Because she did it for attention.  And it worked.  Her boyfriend un-dumped her.  What has she learned from this?  That harming herself got her what she wanted.  She got to go to a BYU game, come home for Halloween, get her boyfriend back, no physical ramifications, she can still go back to college. 

But she's lost my trust.   If you hurt me I detach.  I can't trust you now to not hurt me.  It's hard enough for me to trust people. Now you've given me a reason not to.  How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone I can't trust?

 

 

Sometimes it helps to get it all out.  I wrote all of that out and later that night when she asked me if I was mad, because I’d skimmed the foam off the top, I was able to calmly answer “yes”.   I then told her plainly that I would have a hard time trusting her in the future to not hurt herself again.

“What can I do to convince you?”

“Hello….you are talking to the person in this house who has major trust issues.” At least I was able to laugh at myself. 

But then I was able to go over and just hold her and listen to her as she explored her feelings and why she did it and what had been going through her mind and what she had been thinking for the last few days. 

I still don’t trust her but it's not blocking my view anymore.