Strengthened

H-er asked me to pray about it.  To go to the temple and ask if I'm really supposed to divorce him.  This is his trump card.  He believes God will tell me to stay. 

I went to the temple and as I sat in the celestial room I found myself asking the SAME question I asked 18 years ago.

Should I stay married to him IF he lives the commandments and does what is right. 

And I felt like laughing.  Of course I should be married to him if he is righteous.  NO BRAINER.   This is a stupid question. It is what got me into trouble in the first place.

It's been 18 years of NOT living the gospel and doing what is right. The real question then becomes Is he going to FINALLY start living the gospel?  Will there be no more D-days? 

 
I have felt no assurance of that.  How can I?  He has free agency.  God cannot force his compliance and obedience.

All I am sure of is that I recoil at the thought of living with him again.   He says I am still acting as if a saber tooth tiger is chasing me when it is no longer chasing me--According to said saber tooth tiger.

Why does this call to mind the story of the ginger bread man?   Is he the wolf assuring me that I am safe if I just move a little closer?

Is this the ravening wolf in sheep's clothing spoken of in 3 Nephi 14 of which we are warned "by their fruits ye shall know them"?  And counseled not to give that which is holy to the dogs?  Or am I the hypocrite who can't see clearly the mote in my own eye? 

Or is this the verse I read that jumped out at me when I was first dating him. Alma 5:60 "and he commandeth you that ye suffer no ravenous wolf to enter among you, that ye may not be destroyed."

How often have I cried "how long?"  And D&C 121 and 122 are brought to mind.   Hold on thy way, this is but a small moment, endure it well, this is for my experience

A recent blessing promised I would have a clear mind. I would find answers in prayer and in the scriptures

I am most calm and most clear when I think "continue on in what I have set in motion". But slowly.  There is no sense of urgency.  Just steadiness.  Slow and steady wins the race.  Time will reveal truth.  Time will reveal my next course of action. 

Deuteronomy 31:8

8 And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Isaiah 41:10

10 ¶Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

And when I stand at the veil in the temple I can physically feel that strength go through me. It is real.

I am reminded that the last time I was at the temple before this I received the clear message that his battle was not my battle.  I could let go of it.  There were angels enough to surround him and bear him up.  So while he may feel that he is alone I could have the assurance that he isn't.  That while I may fear abandoning him I am not.  He is not abandoned and neither am I.