Relieved

"I bless you with health and strength to accomplish the things you need to". 

It seems like I was always being promised that.  I couldn't get a blessing without that being thrown in.  But I didn't understand why.  I wasn't doing anything special. I was just being a mother and working.  I played piano in primary.  (Easiest job ever.  It required no preparation, no worry, no loss of sleep. Everyone else was getting gypped I tell you.) Why was I being blessed with health and strength while being set apart to play the piano? 

I didn't realize. 

As I've been reading other blogs and listening to other women and family members going through recovery I keep hearing about health problems they are suffering through. Because of their loved ones addictions.  Apparently this takes a physical toll on your body.

My trauma affects my kidneys. Sometime before I turned three I had a bad kidney infection.  It put me in the hospital.  Of course I don't remember this.  But my kidneys do. 

Every time I've gotten pregnant I get a kidney infection.  The kind where I have to go to the hospital.  But recently I've been getting them more often.   Usually when my husband returns from an extended stay in Utah.  I went to a clinic close by my office and told them I had a kidney infection (I can diagnose myself now).   She tested my urine and then after a pause asked me how many partners I have had and when the last time I had been tested for an STD was. 

"I only have sex with my husband" I assured her.

Somehow it came out that my husband had been gone for a while. (She was good). She carefully explained that the frequency of my kidney infections might be because foreign bacteria was being constantly introduced into that area.  Bacteria that I wasn't accustomed too.  She then prescribed an antibiotic for a common curable STD and another one for a kidney infection.

I had the full gamut done.  Blood work and everything.  And I was angry.  You'd think that would have been the end right? Ha. That was in 2008.

My first kidney stone was in 2011. I was at work when I started to feel pain in my lower back.  It was mostly uncomfortable.  My coworker asked me if I was all right when I laid down on the floor.  20 minutes later I asked her if she could take me to the hospital. Half way there I threw up into a bag.  By the time we reached the hospital I was screaming and swearing.  She's never heard me swear in the nine years I've worked with her.  She believed I was dying.

Three morphine shots later I was still screaming.  The doctor thought I had a twisted ovary. But an ultrasound and an MRI revealed nothing.  About the time I slid inside for the cat scan I stopped screaming.  Their best guess was that I had passed the stone between the ultrasound and the MRI.

So six months later, sitting at my desk at work when I felt that same pain I ran out of there.  I knew I had an hour before the Torture began.  I wasn't going to the ER.  Thanks to my great grandfather who was immune to morphine I figured i'd save myself a hospital bill and just scream at home.  In those dark hours I came to a realization.  This was one kidney stone.  And it was killing me.  I was ready to end it all over a kidney stone.  This was NOTHING compared to the Savior's agony.   I don't know how He did it. But He did and that means something.  He is strong. Like invincible strong.

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things;" Alma 26:12

I did some research and changed my diet and thankfully the frequency declined.  The last two stones have passed in half an hour and at their peak I am on all fours sweating shaking and groaning.  No screaming or repetitive puking or writhing on my bed for four hours anymore.

And I've realized with the amount of trauma I've been through, my body should be a twisted, withered, emaciated shell; eaten from the inside out. Yet He was looking out for me and blessed me with health and strength so I can say with a shudder of relief. "It's only been a few kidney stones."