Obligated

I met An Heritage #1 when he was one.  He reminded me of H-er so he was easy to love.  He was affectionate and loved Winnie the Pooh. He was independent and wanted to do things "all by self". 

So when we were first married and he was 3 we sat down with H-er's first wife and her new husband to talk about visitation.   I still remember what she said:  "Maybe if you prove you are responsible he can spend the night".   I was taken aback.  She  didn't know me.  I was 23 and I considered myself quite responsible.  I can see now that she was reacting to her history with H-er and not me.

I wasn't perfect.  I remember when he was potty training and the first time I helped him I didn't quite get his pants down far enough.  They got wet.  He didn't freak out.  He calmly accepted my apology and promise to do better next time.

Then there was the time I tried to cut his hair.  He was old enough that he remembered his mom told him never to let me cut his hair again. (I didn't-I paid someone else).

We drove across the country and my aunt pointed out the strangeness of him calling me mom and H-er by his first name.

I remember driving 13 hours for his baptism and racing the last hour because I didn't think we would make it in time. I hugged him and cried and he must have thought I was strange.

I remember when he was old enough to start telling jokes and I laughed because they were the same jokes I told in elementary school.  He was fun to talk to now.

When he was 11 I looked at him one day and realized that was how old H-er was when he lost his virginity to the babysitter.  I wanted to vomit.

I drove an hour and a half to pick him up every other weekend and an hour and a half to take him back because H-er couldn't handle the stress or didn't want to face his ex-wife. I drove hours out of my way to pick him up and take him on family vacations without H-er because I wanted him to be part of the family and with his siblings.

Then I filed for separation and I cried because I realized he wouldn't be part of my life again. He was the one thing I was really going to miss.  I didn't go through with it but by then #3 and #4 were approaching baptism age.  I was so grateful he had the priesthood and could baptize his brothers when H-er couldn't. 

Then he went on a mission and I was thrilled when An Heritage #4 read his first letter and seeing that it wasn't the scary thing he imagined to be away from home said "I guess I will go on a mission"

So imagine my shock to learn that he had done things with An Heritage #2. Who was this stranger?  Is there more?  Did he do things with my other sons?  He still hasn't acknowledged what he did in our house.  And I look on him with dislike and distrust.  I took him in and loved him as my own and this is how he repays me?  Do I want him in my future or is he just another person I will have to tolerate because I have a duty to include him in my children's lives because they love him?