Trapped

Lists.  

I use them quite frequently.  They keep me organized and allow me to prioritize my day.  I haven't always looked on them so fondly. 

In the early days of our marriage H-er used to make lists for me all the time. He liked to organize my day.  He would always make sure to include things on my list that I felt he should be doing. He needed something mailed. It went on my list.  He needed a doctors appointment.  It went on my list. He needed a school paper typed. It went on my list. He wanted to know how much something would cost to replace.  It went on my list.   Where was his list?  He didn't have one.

Then he would follow up. He'd pull out the list and start asking me if I'd done them.  If I hadn't I'd get worked over the coals.  If I found a price for the item he would question whether I got a good price.  Did I get multiple quotes? How did I know there wasn't a better price?

I came to loathe lists.  He would start to make a list and I would start to cry.   The prime time for making lists was when we would go out of town.  We'd have a long stretch in the car and that seemed to be the perfect time for him to organize my life and our marriage.  The list of things I should do to improve our lives would start. I couldn't leave either.  I was stuck in this moving metal cage. 

Invariably the tension would mount and several times I was threatened.    He became so angry that he punched his foot down on the gas and accelerated through a stop sign.   Another time he hit me.  Sometimes I would climb over the seat into the back because I just had to get out of his reach.  Another time he accelerated in anger around a corner and I swear one of the tires of our van came off the road.  The kids were screaming.  

Eventually I took matters into my own hands - literally. As we were preparing to drive away from my sister's house my brother-in-law casually asked us "Why does she always drive?"  I just shrugged because I couldn't tell the truth "I don't trust him with our lives if he's behind the wheel".

Somewhere along the line I also put my foot down on the lists.  He doesn't make them for me anymore.  At least not on paper.  He'll still try to get me to do things that he should be doing.  I've gotten better at saying no and sticking to it.   And so now lists are my friend.

Only a few weeks ago though he got mad while we were in the car.  I felt my hands tightening on the wheel until my knuckles turned white.  My whole body tensed and I found myself going ten miles over the speed limit.  In my mind I was chanting "we're almost home. We're almost home".  I WANTED OUT OF THAT CAR.  As soon as we hit our neighborhood I pulled over and got out of the car.  I chose to walk the rest of the way home.  

I need to get over this.  Because tonight An Heritage #2 got mad that I wouldn't do something she wanted and she started in on me.  It was that same "you're being unreasonable in the face of my perfectly logical reasoning and expectation of your capitulation to my selfish needs".   And because we were in the car and I couldn't walk away that triggered me into reacting inappropriately.