Invalidated

I decided to glance through the Strengthening Marriage Instructor’s manual on LDS tools under Family.   Session Four jumped right out at me:  Overcoming Anger. One of the topics was about determining your anger cycle and to help you do that they suggested keeping an anger log.  I decided to do it.  (super easy to do when you carry a smart phone around all day).  I just opened up a “note” and started keeping track.  I’d list the date, what happened and then I’d rate my anger from 1 to 10.

I did this for about two weeks and guess what.  I started noticing patterns.  I started seeing what was triggering my anger.  I started seeing patterns.  As an added bonus I was becoming more aware of myself.  My anger wasn’t “blind” anymore.  It wasn’t taking over me.  (at least not while I was keeping the log...time to start that again). 

One of my big triggers was invalidation.  For example:  I found an arrangement of a song that I particularly liked and I tried to share it with H-er.  His response was that he never liked that song to begin with.  At the time I felt a spike in anger.   I don’t think he did it on purpose.  I didn’t expect him to like the song per se.  What I did expect was for him to say something along the lines of “glad you found an arrangement that you like”.  I can look back on it now and realize he just isn’t capable of providing validation in a relationship.   It’s not personal.  It’s the addiction. 

As I recognized the patterns I was sparked to dig through some boxes in my garage and found my tattered copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  I’d read it years ago when I was working on boundaries.  As I re-read it I could see all my notes in the margins with examples of H-er doing various things.  Interestingly enough he doesn’t do some of those anymore.  Because I have utilized the suggestions in the book (sometimes it’s nice to see how you’ve grown with boundaries).

HOWEVER

I soon noticed something else.  Knowledge is power.   In taking back some of my own by responding appropriately to his abuse I went too far.  I noticed that some of the things I have been doing count as verbal abuse.  It’s there in black and white.  I have to examine myself now to see if it was deliberate.  That’s kind of scary. Am I that person who once they understand a principle or tool can take it and use it to their advantage?  To deliberately hurt someone else just because now I know how?  I may be.  Whether it was sub-conscious or intentional that’s one of those things I’m going to have to make amends for. 

Like the time we went to dinner and he started talking about something he thought was interesting and I said “I’m not really interested in hearing you talk about that.” Because I was angry and feeling contempt for him and didn’t want to hear him talk.  I knew it would shut him down and would be hurtful.  I’m going to have to make amends for that.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  That’s step 8

I’ll be back for that.