Disappointed

Thanksgiving.  Another drop off for visitation.  This time Jolene wasn't dropped off at a gas station to wait (this is really her name and not a play on words.  But really, how cliche is it that the woman H-er cheated with is named Jolene?).  After the boys climbed in the car and the suitcase was loaded in the back, H-er mumbled an apology.  “I’m sorry Jolene was in the car.  I know that is probably awkward.  I know it would be for me.  I wouldn’t like it.”

And I made a split decision.  I decided it wouldn’t be awkward for me.   So I marched right up to the window, knocked on it and after she rolled the window down I said, “Hi.  Nice to meet you.”  She said hi back and thanked me for mailing her stuff back to her.  “No problem."  (Big Smile) "Have a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Was I thrilled that I have to meet the woman he cheated with?  No.  Am I thrilled that my boys get to spend Thanksgiving with the woman he cheated with? No.  But apparently she is going to be in my life forever now so I better just deal with it. 

I even mentioned to H-er that they boys had asked if we would ever all spend a holiday together again and that it would be nice if someday relations were such that we could spend a holiday together for the sake of the boys and Jolene could come too.  Yes I nearly gagged as I said it, but I still said it. (It won't be this Christmas.)

I did pretty well over the weekend.  I was with family so that helped.  When my sisters asked me how I was doing I talked about the grief I feel (and we cried and then laughed at ourselves because we had all JUST applied our eye makeup).

**********

Sunday night I picked them up and as we drove the five hours home I learned that she is really nice and fun and “modern” so they get along with her (unlike the “old” guy I’m dating – who expects them to help out around the house, do chores, pick up after themselves, etc., and who was “forced on them”). She loaded them up with Takis (the treat I always buy them), listens to music with them, sends them birthday gifts—in short—they like her.  And they don’t like the guy I’m dating. 

So to be honest I am struggling with the fact that I should be glad she is nice to my boys, yet I am not because I'm jealous.  If it was any other woman I think I’d be okay with it.  But it’s the woman he cheated with.  

Why should she get to contribute to the break up of my marriage and be rewarded with MY boys good will, yet a guy who treats me well and who had nothing to do with my divorce gets resentment and disrespect?  For a brief minute there is a flash of anger which means there is a mess of painful feelings hammering me that I'd rather not face:  jealousy, betrayal, disappointment (that they don’t like the guy I’m dating and they like the one he is dating), loss, even shame for feeling negative emotions.  

Just acknowledging them dissolves the anger.  It's painful.  But as my sister said when I told them sometimes I just had to cry and allow myself to grieve:  "Hey, at least now you know you aren't a psychopath".

JOY

My last three posts have been building to an important lesson for me. They've reflected some pretty heartrending painful moments that all happened in an 8 day period.  In fact at first reading it seems incredibly depressing. However...

This last Sunday in Sunday school we discussed the pivotal moment of the Book of Mormon.  The Savior's appearance to the American continent.  Our teacher started by asking for personal stories of the power of 3 Nephi Chapter 11 in anyone's lives. There were those who shared stories from their missions of investigators who were converted after reading that chapter. 

For me it recalled to mind when I was just 13 and one Sunday after church I decided to read 3 Nephi.  As I came to that chapter I was overwhelmed by the confirmation of the spirit that every word I was reading was true.  That it had really happened. And so my testimony of both the Book of Mormon and the appearance of the Savior to the America's was cemented. 

She later asked 

"When they heard 'this is my beloved son'" how did the Nephites and Lamanites react?"  

In my mind I imagine them dropping to their knees because that would be my first instinct. 

And that makes me think of true prayer -- on my knees and actually listening for an answer. 

Still later she asked,  "Why would He choose to keep the marks and then invite everyone to come and feel for themselves? Why would this be important for the people at the temple?" 

Everyone began to discuss how this would be proof for the people etc., and I heard a quiet voice whisper of the symbolism in this moment:  The Savior stands before me inviting me to "Come unto Him" and feel for myself.   Not the wounds but the truth and certainly of His promises.  And that same overwhelming confirmation filled me and my eyes filled with tears of gratitude for what that means for me. 

But the spirit was not done with me yet. 

In Relief Society, I was conducting and I beamed at the sisters as I shared the announcements and made them laugh. I then introduced our two guest speakers from the stake.  They were ARP facilitators. One of the sisters wanted to talk to us about the Savior and how the atonement is about having joy. She shared a truly horrific experience that happened to her which ripped every aspect of her life apart and led to an addiction which further damaged her life. And then she asked if it was possible to have joy while going through all of this.  She testified that it was possible--that she found joy even in the horrible mess of her life. 

And three things came to my mind in succession:

1.  When I was set apart just two months ago I was told to let my joy shine out for all the sisters to see.  

2.  And then, the night after I sobbed myself to sleep on my sister's couch the first two conference talks are about happiness (Monson) and joy (Nelson). 

3.  And here was an ARP sister reminding me that I can feel joy again when for so long I couldn't. 

And because I was conducting that Sunday I got to close and after thanking them for sharing their experiences with us I shared mine.  I said "I was married to an addict and turned to anger in order to avoid the pain of betrayal, disillusionment, hurt, etc.   But when you numb the painful feelings you also numb the beautiful feelings.  I didn't feel anything but anger for a long time. it wasn't until I worked the ARP program and with the Savior by my side I faced those painful feelings and now I can stand before you and tell you about the joy I feel."

Now I'm always looking for the joy--because I can. 

When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives.

--Russell M Nelson

Defeated

Mom can I talk to you? 

I've gone to bed already and he's sitting on the end of my bed in the dark.  

Sure.  What's up?

He puts his head down in his head and I can feel the bed tremble as he shakes. 

I need to tell you...

He pauses and the bed shakes some more.  

I think...this is so hard to say....

I reach out and take his hand in mine and wait while my mind dreads what is about to come out. 

I think...I think I am addicted to pornography. 

He is 12. 

So we talk about it and what his options are and what things we can do.  We talk about his triggers and appropriate activities and how to face feelings instead of running from them. We talk about safety measures. I have all the answers because 20 years with a porn addict have been an education. I reassure him of my love and that he is not shameful and that he has a support system and I am on his team as is the Lord.  I tell him it's good that he is asking for help now before he's had years to live out the shame cycle. 

I want a family some day he says (he knows what porn has done to ours). 

I give him a hug and tell him that it is a brave and good thing he has done sharing this with me.   We say a prayer together asking for God's help in this fight and to turn weaknesses into strengths. 

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest he says and I can tell he feels lighter. 

I'm going to go read Elder Nelson's talk now because I could sure use some joy in my life right about now

Wounded

The First Visitation

So even though I’ve been divorced since the end of January, I haven’t had to deal with visitation due to H-er’s panic attacks.  But eventually he got his head on straight and was ready to commit to being a parent.  So I drove to the half way point (5 hours) on Oct 1.   Well really we went the night before and stayed at my sister’s.  But I told H-er he could come get them on Saturday as early as he wanted. 

H-er doesn’t get up before 11am.   He left around 2pm (gained an hour).  He wanted to know if I could meet him directly off of the freeway rather than at my sister’s house.  I figured I’d be accommodating. I was curious how he would handle the drive down alone.  I was usually the one who went to get An Heritage #1 because he said he didn’t like to have to face his ex.  If he did go then one of the kids had to go with him because he just couldn’t be alone.  There was one time our stake was having a special fireside for women and a guy in the ward finally offered to drive with him so that I could go to the meeting with his wife. 

So they arrived and we met in the Lowe’s parking lot.  I had a trunk full of his stuff and it clearly flustered him.  He piled it all in the back of his car and at one point I asked if I could repack it for me (I hate wasted space and it was blocking his view out the back).  He didn’t respond and I forced myself to stay silent because I’m not married to him and if he wants to have stuff shifting around then that’s his problem.

Then I hugged the boys and they drove off.  Immediately I teared up.  I cried off and on back to my sister’s house (30 minute drive) and on the way I got a text from An Heritage #3. “we are meeting Jolene or however you spell it”.  (meaning they were picking her up wherever H-her had stashed her on the way down).

Jolene is the woman he was having an affair with.  The woman he described as psycho who slept with his friends as well.  The woman that another woman tried to warn him about – to stay far away from her--who apparently isn’t divorced from her husband yet but was engaged to someone else (while she was married) who died.   The woman who messaged my daughter on facebook – that’s how I found out about her--who called me (while we were still married) to apologize and asked if we could go to coffee sometime (when H-er broke up with her the first time).  She sounds like a gem doesn’t she?

H-er had told me that he finally broke it off with her and was dating other people.  I thought she was in the rear-view mirror.  Apparently not.  And now my boys get to be a part of her life.  Since I was at my sister’s I was able to distract myself from the trauma of it all until bedtime.  Then once I went to bed and it was quiet I broke down and just sobbed. 

Heartbroken

I'm not dating anyone she says. 

But she is spending almost every night somewhere else. 

She is doing well in school.  She was friends with people who work the 12 steps. She had a boyfriend who was a college graduate and had a job and was making a life plan. We'd all met him and he was welcome anytime. But he treated her too nice.  He wasn't enough drama.  There just wasn't anything there. 

Can we talk she asks. 

They weren't friends last time.  It's different this time because they are building a friendship first. He makes her laugh (except last weekend when he sent her a picture of his old girlfriend and it made her cry because she felt ugly and not good enough). He made her soup when she threw up.  There's just something about him.  She doesn't know what.  She knows he's not good for her but it just feels so right.   Maybe he hated her and treated her badly because she was too clingy and afraid to lose him.  This time he won't try to physically or emotionally harm her. 

She's prayed about it and she doesn't know why she was supposed to meet him.  He says when she is around he doesn't do drugs as much.  Maybe she can help him because she understands him now.  Maybe someday it will be okay for us to meet him. 

Don't tell dad she says. 

Oh and marijuana isn't harmful for you. It shouldn't have to be prescribed and administered under the care of a doctor because - well if I had tried it I would know what she was talking about.  Besides she doesn't take it to escape so it won't become an addiction.  And it's not a gateway drug for her because she already knows she wouldn't like anything else and would react bad to it. 

Don't worry about me she says. Don't cry yourself to sleep she says. 

I just give her a sad smile. 

Easy

What it looks like at my house when mom starts dating again: 

We were making dinner together--he likes to help.  If I’m washing lettuce for a salad he gets out the tomatoes and the cucumbers and starts slicing them.  (I don’t even have to ask).  At one point I teased him about something and he smeared his freshly washed wet hands on my face.  Both of us were laughing and out of the corner of my eye I caught my boys just staring.

One of them complained the other day “he’s always saying that you work hard and we should help you out” and the other quickly responded “yeah, dad used to say that too but at least he (the new guy) means it”.  Because he noticed my dryer was pulled out from the wall and when he asked me about it I told him the vent had problems.  So one day while I was at work he grabbed my youngest and together they replaced the hose and pushed the dryer back against the wall.

And then later that week he grabbed my 6 foot tall boy and together they replaced my air filters and vacuumed lint out of the vents. (Explaining that it was good experience because he’d probably have to do something similar for investigators someday on a mission).

And he noticed that the sleeping bags and camping gear were spread out in the garage so he got the boys to roll them up and store them on the shelves. 

It’s just so nice.  

Covered

I was asked to speak in church on finding hope and joy in discipleship and asked to reference Hebrews 10 “cast not away thine confidence” and Elder Hollands final talk at April Conference.  I was feeling pretty good and had my basic outline done.  Then I headed off to Relief Society Presidency meeting where I got a text from H-er.  He was letting me know that he would not be coming down for Scout camp (because he is heartbroken that we are over) and could I please let the scout leaders know.

Scout camp was the NEXT day.  This means that they would be short an adult and seeing as it was now Sunday the chances of finding an adult who already had a physical done was going to be pretty darn near impossible.  In addition, guess who was going to get to break it to their boys that their dad wasn’t going anymore.  Plus H-er was going to take the boys at the end of scout camp for his summer visitation and I had already made plans for the weekend which means I don’t know how they are going to get to Utah now.
 
But all of that wasn’t what really bothered me.  It was that I was supposed to be giving a talk and I wanted to have the spirit with me when I spoke.  And it’s hard to have the spirit when you are mad.  So I was mad that I was mad.   But I made the conscious choice that I was not going to be mad and I gave it all to God.   I said “Take it. You deal with it”.
 
And it turns out that one of the priesthood leaders had gotten a physical anyway even though he hadn’t planned on going. And my daughter came to church to hear my talk (hasn’t been since September and usually refuses to go), and I had the spirit with me and the boys weren’t too upset.
 
I need to turn stuff over to Him more often.   Clearly He's got it all covered.

 

Attached

I love to read. 

I went through the whole Nancy Drew series before third grade.  I was the kid sitting in the bathroom on the floor at 2am reading so that the light wouldn’t bother anyone.  And I’m a fast reader.  I can fly through a book.

I would read anything if it looked interesting or if I was bored.  So one summer after a family reunion I was bored and looking through the bookshelves at my aunt’s house.  I found a romance novel.  I fell in love with a particular genre – Jane Austen’s time period.   I stuck with a particular distributor because they were clean.  You know, just like Pride and Prejudice.  It was all about the relationship and the story and the book would end with their first kiss.

But sadly over the years, I’ve left that distributor.  While I’ve still stuck with that genre, they aren’t clean anymore.  I used them to hide from the pain of my marriage.  I’ve spend so much money on romance novels it’s ridiculous. 

Looking back I can definitely see patterns.  When H-er was actively acting out I read anywhere from 10-20 a month.     I can see it was definitely a coping strategy to numb myself. This last year I’ve probably read 5-and they were all from authors who write incredible stories.  It was their storytelling I was drawn to rather than the idea of romance.  But still it’s filth. Pornography for women.

Two weeks ago in Sunday School we talked about Abinidi and how he would share his message even if it meant his death.  Then in my personal reading I read about the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s and how they buried their weapons and would die before they would take them up again.  And I knew that my romance novel reading had to go the way of the weapons. 

But it wasn’t until this last Saturday when I was at the temple asking God for an answer to a prayer that I made the decision to bury them.  And so I began my fast yesterday and started gathering up books.   At first I was thinking I would turn them in to a used book store for credit, or donate them to a library.  But it’s filth.  The Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s didn’t donate or sell their weapons.  They buried them.  So I started dumping them in my recycling bin.  Rather than pass the filth on to someone else, hopefully they’ll be recycled and turned into something that can be used for a better purpose. 

I tried not to look at the titles but couldn’t help but see some of them.  I felt twinges because some of the stories I’ve read multiple times.  I’ve met some of the authors.  It was hard deleting the ebooks.  I had to read the titles to separate the romance novels from the kid’s books and other books I’ve gotten for bookclub.  Sometimes it was hard to press the delete button.  “I’ll just keep this one.”  I’d say.  Or “this one doesn’t have any smut in it.”  But I would catch myself and think of Abinidi.  I still need to go through some closets and boxes in the garage because I know there are books all over from when I moved.  My goal is to find every last one by this next weekend and be romance novel free.

I know I’m going to face challenges.  I’ll see that one of my favorite authors has a new book and I know I’ll be tempted to “just get that one”.  I also know that the attachment I feel to the books will fade over time. There are so many other uplifting and good books I can read instead.  I don’t want to be like Lot’s wife but if I don’t acknowledge the chemical and emotional connection I have to the books, I won’t be able to break it.   In Relief Society yesterday the lesson was “you can have what you want today or you can have something better.”  I’m going for something better. 

Bemused

The strangest thing.   Someone contacted me through the dating site.  He’s interesting.  I’m interested. 

He lives in another state so we haven’t met in person yet.

He doesn’t ask me to send pictures.

He doesn’t make sexual comments.

There were a couple of times when I started to freak out and he calmed me down.

We talk every day now.

So when H-er called and asked for another chance I calmly told him it was time for him to grieve and move on.

Violated

I wrote this while traveling last week:

H-er is staying at my home with my kids while I am in Europe. When I got back to our hotel last night there were 16 missed calls from him on the app I use to communicate with my kids. So I called him.

As a precaution, I had put some things in my car that I didn't want him to see and locked my car. Well he had gotten in my car and read them and was upset and used language like "I have a right to know".

*****

I read Conscious Uncoupling last week on the plane because my sister who just got divorced from a husband addicted to pornography had read it and wanted someone to discuss it with. In it, the author talks about blame and that even if your spouse is 97% of the problem you still had 3% and if you don't acknowledge that part you will just take it into future relationships.

So I've spent part of this trip thinking about how I contributed to negative cycles in my marriage (not to absolve him of the things he did but because I need to acknowledge my contribution). One of the things I realized is that I kept a part of my heart to myself.  It wasn’t safe to completely give my heart to him.  And while it is harmful to the relationship to withhold part of yourself from your spouse, it is still my choice. 

This morning as I looked at why I was angry at H-er for reading what is written I realized that underneath the anger I felt violated. I'd written those things in an attempt to explore my feelings and work through uncertainties and insecurities. I didn't want him to see those intimate thoughts. I didn't choose to share them with him. He took them without asking. And then on top of that he chose to make accusations and didn't acknowledge that some of those thoughts were about the first time he hit me and gave me a bloody nose and how it felt emotionally. And he did it all believing it is his "right".

I want him to stop taking things from me that I don't choose to give him.

 

 

Prepared

An Heritage #3 lost her job.  Because she called out too many days.

This was odd because I only knew of three days she missed (two because she had her wisdom teeth out and one where she threw up everywhere at 3am in the morning). It kept worrying at me and then she disappeared for two days (her crappy boyfriend finally texted her).

So I found her kindle and looked at her facebook messenger.   I found things that no mother wants to find including drugs. 

I was prepared.  I recalled Elder Uchtdorf’s conference talk: 

Our Savior, the Good Shepherd, knows and loves us. He knows and loves you.

He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears.

It matters not how you became lost—whether because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control.

What matters is that you are His child. And He loves you. He loves His children.

Because He loves you, He will find you. He will place you upon His shoulders, rejoicing. And when He brings you home, He will say to one and all, “Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.”

You may feel that your life is in ruins. You may have sinned. You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.

He will rescue you.

He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.

He will carry you home.

If mortal hands can transform rubble and ruins into a beautiful house of worship, then we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were—far greater than what we can ever imagine. With each step of faith on the path of discipleship, we grow into the beings of eternal glory and infinite joy we were designed to become.

And I thought of her baby blessing where she was promised that at a point in her life when she questioned she would remember the Savior and come to the truth.

And so after many tears, and shaking, and desperate gasps for air:

Step 1:  I am powerless

This is her struggle.  I am not her savior. I can only tell her I love her no matter what she does and if she needs help I am here, but not as an enabler. 

Step 2 & 3: She is in God’s hands and I will wait for promptings from Him so I know what to say and when.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng

Safe

Recently we had a special stake conference.  Four stakes were reorganized into five stakes and a bunch of new wards were created as well.   One of the seventies spoke after all the reorganizing and shared a story that really struck me. 

He said that we are given two types of children.  The ones who bring us joy all the time or the ones who really make our lives a struggle.  He said he was blessed with only children who make it a struggle.  But finally, through years of effort he and his wife had finally gotten their children reactivated and Elder Ballard called them in and asked them to be Mission President in Africa.  He said “I can’t leave now, I’ve just gotten my kids back to church.”  And Elder Ballard looked at him and said “YOU don’t understand.  YOU are not their savior.”

It has taken me a long time to come to this understanding but I finally do.  I feel this way about H-er and about An Heritage #2.  My next post will share some of the things that have happened over the last month with her and how I’ve had to hold on to that principle so that I didn’t start trying to save her. 

The sweetest experience I had though, was one night when An Heritage #4 sat next to me and asked why she was suffering so much.  And the primary song “Keep the Commandments” popped into my head so I sang it, emphasizing “in this there is SAFETY and peace”.  And he got teary eyed.  

Distressed

At yoga tonight I cried.  I'm still not exactly sure what I was crying about. So I'm going to just brainstorm.  Whatever thoughts come to my head i'm going to write them.  Because once I stop suppressing them, they can get out and maybe what's under it all will be illuminated.  It may look or sound disjointed. But here they are:

It's so easy for him.  I don't even know where he meets them.  Is he just randomly friend requesting people?  He says he is "targeting" good Mormon women.  Where is he finding them?

He probably started going to karaoke again. He probably has a dating profile.

He was at a freaking gas station and a woman asked him for his number.

It makes me feel unattractive and less because i don't really want to date anyone. Yet at the same time no one is pursuing me. No one comes up to me at random places and expresses interest in me.

Part of me is horrified.  I guess I could do profiles on dating sites.  I could go to the firesides.  I could get a tinder profile. And those ideas are just so unappealing.

I think my boys would freak out if I dated someone. So am I just stuck. Yet I don't want to really put myself out there. They are probably all porn addicts anyway. 

I'm guessing I still have too much betrayal trauma to feel any enthusiasm for it. Yet at the same time it kind of hurts how easy it is for him.  That women just crawl out of the woodwork and come from nowhere.

And A is going on a mission. She made it into byu.  She clearly has Friends and does fun exciting stuff.  She is where I want An Heritage #2 to be.  Instead she is not in school and spends her nights who knows where and has nothing to do with the church.

This is just so how I didn't see myself.  I don't really want to go back to the time where men were just not interested in me. I think that's how I ended up with H-er in the first place. I took the first guy why showed interest because I thought I was getting old and it was never going to happen.

I'm just not what guys are looking for.

It would probably be better just to break off communication with H-er. Like a clean break. Otherwise it's going to just keep getting rubbed in my face. 

And focus on having girlfriends and spending time with my sisters and kids.  That is my future and my life and that can be more rewarding than superficial dates with lustful men who really aren't interested in me as a woman of God.

I think that's where some of the pain comes from.  Being who I am is just not appealing to men.  They want exciting, fun, sexy, and young. And that's just not me.

I'm cerebral, practical, have emotional baggage, and a homebody.   I'm not going to meet anyone sitting with my boys in sacrament meeting, doodling in Sunday school, and playing the piano in relief society.   The righteous man of my patriarchal blessing isn't going to just happen to sit next to me at church, introduce himself, and propose. 

My patriarchal blessing doesn't say ANYTHING about divorce. It does say that thru my good and righteous associations I would be privileged to meet a righteous priesthood holder who would take me to the temple.  And that my companion husband would need my support to lead my family in righteousness.

So vague. Is it too late?  Was this about my second marriage? was this supposed to be about my first and that opportunity has passed me by?  Should I just reconcile myself to my single unappealing state? 

I'll have to share with my sister who is divorcing because of porn addiction.  Hopefully she won't be blindsided by her emotions like me when I realized just how easy it is for him to move on to other women. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Because even though mentally I think about dating or meeting someone e or putting myself out there, when push comes to shove I just can't do it.  My very self rebels against it for whatever reason. Distrust?  Disinterest? Feeling that it's just not worth it? That I'll create a profile and no one will click on it?  That the men will decide it's just not worth it? 

So there it is. For now.

 

 

 

Despondent

I know there are emotions roiling under the surface.  I know I don't want to face them.  But I also know I just need to cry. So maybe by writing it all out I'll break past my numbness.

First An Heritage #2. 

She was in a car that rolled six times. WHAT THE H!  She says she should be dead.  Yet her behavior continues.  She still stays out all night.  She still hangs out with S.  She wants to be in a relationship with S.  Who has said he is incapable of loving anyone including his family.  He wouldn't care if they were dead.  Who has been to a mental hospital twice.  Who didn't graduate from high school. Who was addicted to drugs.   Who smokes.  Who doesn't go anywhere unless he's alone. Who wrote a suicide note and weighted himself down and threw himself into a pool. This is the kind of person my daughter wants to be with. This is the person she says she can never get tired of being with.  That she can sit for an hour and just watch him fold laundry.

All because of my choices.  I chose to sin with h-er.  Then I chose to marry him.  And then she was sexually abused by H-er's nephew.  And witnesses H-er with his hands around my throat and heard him say "get out.  I'm going to kill your mother" and she ran and hid in fear under the desk. And then in my anger I told her of her father's adultery and now she wants nothing to do with him.  Who tried to take her own life and now wants nothing to do with the gospel.  Who was jealous of her best friend and wanted her family instead.

This is the consequence of my choices.

And I have two more children.

The cycle will never be broken. It will just continue on.  I should never have had children.  There is no comfort to be had. I don't see how the atonement or any of the plan can possibly make up for any of this.   How am I supposed to tell my children to turn to the gospel and the atonement when I can't find comfort from it?

When I was a child playing with markers and colored pencils and crayons and light-brite pieces and sorting them into families.  Families were my whole world. I sang "when i grow up.  I want to be a mother and have a family" over and over.

This was never what I imagined. I never imagined being married outside the temple, cheated on, abused, divorced, distrustful of all men and anything H-er says, and broken.  Sobbing on my bed and hating the plan. 

And letting go of H-er isn't so easy.  Maybe if I never heard from him.  But he texts just often enough that it keeps the link there.  But I distrust EVERYTHING he says. That's no way to live.  I should just let go. I should just move on. IT IS OVER.

 

Self-Flagellation

Apparently I have just been deluding myself that I don't feel anger towards H-er anymore.  Because something triggered me and the anger came boiling up.

Maybe it’s a combination of everything over the last few weeks: 

The spring break text promising his sober attention but then I walked into my room and he was sitting on my bed talking to a woman he is interested in.   Undivided sober attention?

Or that a GORGEOUS woman hit on him at a gas station on his way down. (And he told me about it)

Or when I woke up at 3am and he had left my house...for hours.

And how he would be on his phone constantly shielding it from me and when I joked about it he said "I don't want to hurt you".

When he came home from eating with B who asked him if he really thought it was realistic thinking we could work things out because B can't go more than two days without sex so how does H-er think he can and H-er thought that made perfect sense. 

Or when he said he was only seeking out faithful LDS women and I pointed out that he'd have to abstain from sex with them before marriage and he didn't have an answer.

Or when he started loading his car at the end of the week and picked a fight with me over An Heritage #2’s PS3 controller in front of everyone and made me cry. 

When he still says he loves me and asks if I'll remarry him in 90 days if he checks himself into a rehab facility.  

And how it was so easy to fall into old patterns as if we were still married.  (Except no sex).

It's cruel is what it is.  It's cruel how easy he can find women.  It's horrible how I struggle to even create a dating profile and how it really just makes me sick to my stomach when I think about dating anyone.  It's horrible that I feel old, uninteresting, used up, hopeless, and that this is the end for me.  That my only options are porn addicts.   Because why else would any man be my age and available.  There just can't be a good reason for any man to be 45 and single. And so I have no good options.  Single and alone by choice, single and alone because no one wants me, or a magnet to sex addicts.

Because from what I hear there are few good men and astronomical numbers of porn addicts.  That's just crap. So much for the promises in my patriarchal blessing.  I turned my nose up at that all those years ago when I got desperate and settled for H-er because I was afraid I was getting old and ON THE SHELF.     I wish I'd had more faith and strength of character at 21.

So really the anger is hiding my disappointment in myself, fear of the future, betrayal (yet again), and the pain of broken promises (again).

So just feel the pain of it Girl because anger sucks and is debilitating. I want the peace of facing my pain and moving past it.   And darn it all I need to stick to boundaries.  Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Familiar

After 20 years of marriage, physical boundaries are very fluid. 

When he was here for spring break it was like nothing has changed.  There is a certain lack of physical boundaries or personal space between married people and we just seemed to fall back into that.

In fact my sister joined us at the end of the week and was shocked to see him there.  He was leaving that day and after he left she said "I hope you aren't having sex with him.  I know a lot of people who have gotten divorced and they still get together just to have sex".

I was taken aback and quickly assured her that this was not the case with us (she doesn't know the extent of his sexual addiction so how could she possibly understand that my betrayal trauma will not allow him to touch me in a sexual manner?). All she could see was the physical ease in each other's company.

I didn't tell her that he had actually asked me to have sex with him and that I had said under no circumstances was I going to do that and lose my temple recommend and that he hadn't asked again.

unfinished

I've noticed that most of these blogs stop at the divorce.  There's nothing to read about immediately after.  Nothing about the struggle to find normalcy or adjust to what is supposed to be a new relationship.  So for those of you who wonder what it looks like--here it is (over the next few posts) with all its awkward and painful mistakes.  These posts were written last month but not posted until now.   

Spring break was approaching which meant visitation.  So I called H-er to schedule drop off and pick up times. 

He suggested that because of his uncertain housing situation it might be better for him to come down to Arizona if that was all right with me.

That felt safer for my boys so I agreed under the condition that he understood that we are no longer married and he has no rights when it comes to me.

He sent a text to me:

I have realized how much I neglected you over the years and have felt much sorrow and loss the last few weeks. I want to give you something this next week that I haven't given you nor the kids in years. My undivided, sober attention.  I love you.

So he showed up that Saturday night and Sunday morning he went to church with us. It was all very civil.  Then Monday night I came up the stairs to find him in my room with the door closed on the phone.  He was talking to a woman.

This is where I was blind-sided by emotion.  We are divorced.  I should have no expectations right?  Yet he sent that text to me.  So I did.  I expected him not to be in my room flirting with another woman over the phone.  And it hurt that it appears that he so easily was moving on.  Intellectually I know he is checked out and he needs that constant fulfillment of women desiring him. But emotionally it was devastating to see how easy it looked.  I mean just thinking about seeing other men made me queasy.

So my reaction:  I started an online dating profile.  I got just far enough to feel better about myself and now it sits half-finished--reflecting perfectly my emotional state.

 

Uncomfortable

An Heritage #4 had a birthday.   I was impressed because at 9am I got a text from H-er asking what we were doing for his birthday.  Is this a sober H-er who is aware of others?  He was completely oblivious to An Heritage #3’s birthday in October and didn’t call him.   I tried to call H-er later that day to coordinate with him and got his voicemail.   He didn’t call me back for 4 hours.  When he did it was to tell me he didn’t have his phone with him because he’d been playing Frisbee with a kid that lives with him.  He didn’t mention the birthday and kept implying that he would only be able to communicate via text the rest of the evening. 

 
He never called. 

He didn’t speak to his son on his birthday. 

Here is why this kills me.
 
Just the night before An Heritage #4 came up from watching Studio C.  He loves it.  But he said “I stopped watching because that last sketch didn’t make me feel good”.    Boom.  I am at code red here.  So I asked him to tell me about it.  Long story short, the sketch was about a kid who looked man sized but had a girl’s voice and some other odd characteristics.  The sketch ended with a joke along the lines of “what do you get when you cross my mom and my dad” with the punchline being this undesirable kid that everyone makes fun of.  And I knew why he felt uncomfortable.  

“It made you uncomfortable because you got the idea that the boy was unwanted or an accident didn’t you?”   He nodded.

And so I made sure to tell him how much he was wanted and that he hadn’t been an accident and I was so glad he was part of my life. 

Betrayal Trauma is for kids too.  That sucks. 

 

Unsurprised

Yesterday we had ward conference and the Stake Presidency talked to us about times of transition.  We started by making a list of different kinds of transitions and it took a while for divorce to be suggested.  It’s interesting because I’ve had to make some different boundaries during this transition.  Like a week after the divorce when H-er called and asked if I had been on a date yet. 

My initial response was shock, then laughter, and then anger.  (shock and laughter because it had only been one week.  I was still making sure utilities and other things were in my name. Dating was the FURTHEST thing from my mind).   After I laughed I said “none of your business.”   Because it’s not. 

He tried to convince me to tell him.  I finally had to spell out the boundary that SHOULD be obvious.   “If you ask me questions about my love life or lack of love life I will not take your calls.”  He continued to press so I gave him another warning.  “If you continue to ask, I will hang up”.  He still didn’t give up.  So I hung up. 

One day I received a text in the middle of the afternoon:  “I finally broke up with J”.   I stared at it for several minutes wondering how I was supposed to respond.  Another boundary:  “I won’t respond to attempts to discuss your current and future relationships”.  It’s none of my business unless it involves my children. 

Another boundary has to do with social media.  I posted a picture of myself with An Heritage #2 sitting in the movie theater and titled it “Girls Night Out”.  An acquaintance made a humorous comment about the generation gap (#2 was making duck lips and I was doing the traditional smile).    H-er decided to message this person about staying out of our business and included some insults and then questioned me about my relationship with this person.   Suddenly I realized the potential for drama.  

A few years past I had sent a friend invite to my cousin’s new husband saying “I hear you’re my newest cousin!  Welcome to the family.  Can’t wait to get to know you.”  H-er sent him a nasty message FROM MY ACCOUNT demanding to know who he was and why we were in contact.  He had also sent another nasty message from my account to someone else I knew growing up who had reached out to say HI and invite our family to a bbq with his family and some other families we grew up with.   (he lost the right to have my password to social media).

So I made the decision to block H-er on social media.  He of course got upset and began to accuse me of putting other people before him and began to rehash our history.  Out came another boundary “If you are going to call me to go over past accusations I won’t take the call.”  I ended up hanging up on him again because he wouldn’t let it go.     

I’m sure there will be more boundaries that have to be spelled out during this transition time. 

Wretched

Here’s my thought process over the last week:

I screwed up.  I listened to my conscience.  Instead of just going to the court and getting a default divorce and sending it to H-er because he hasn't done the parenting class or responded and let's be honest--because he is still sleeping with HER--I thought "that's blindsiding him.  That's deceitful.  I should tell him I have a court date."   

See he didn't really believe I was going to divorce him.  But now he believes and is starting to ask questions.  He might even get a lawyer. So the quick turnaround will come to a screeching halt and drag out and probably get expensive as I have to hire a lawyer. 

Joy! Joy! Joy!

In this moment listening to my conscience feels like I’m shooting myself in the foot.  It feels powerless.

All because I was thinking of the temple recommend question about honesty.   I was thinking that if I wasn’t honest and fair in my dealings with him that I wasn’t being a person of integrity.

And now I'm regretting it.  Even now I want to move the court date up.  I don't want him to contest my interpretation of "fair". What does that say about my character and my commitment to integrity?

What does that say about my faith in God to look out for me? I guess it's time for me to take a second look at my character.  This divorce might actually be the making of my character.

 

 

I read an article on lds.org about honesty and how we should look at honesty from God’s point of view.  (there’s no room for grey).

So here it is:

Honesty from Gods point of view. 

This is complete honesty.

I should tell him that I have a court date set and when and that if he doesn’t respond he has no say (even though it said that in the paperwork that was served on him). I should tell him I am asking for all the cash in our savings when he says it should be his.  I should tell him that I am asking for over 900 child support a month when he only wants to pay 300.

 

 

So I did it.  It was painful.   I spent the next three days crying and negotiating.  I’m getting the cash but I’m only getting $500 a month for child support.

(I’m suppressing the anger about that right now—he said he’d check himself into an insane asylum if I asked for 900 and I’d never see a penny, after breaking down how it would only cost me 300 a month to raise two teenage boys and so I should be grateful that he is now paying extra and telling me about how he doesn’t make ANYTHING when I have access to his ebay account and can see plain as day that in the last 90 days he’s sold over $17000 of stuff and has over 3000 items currently listed and in the last six month’s he’s sold over $36000 AND his former business partners pay him an additional 1000 a month as they are buying his stake in the company AND he has over $80,000 invested in other areas paying a return).

So I was honest.  Now I have to work on the anger – because if I’m angry that means I’m judging and condemning him and one of the other recommend questions is:   Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

3 Nephi 12:22-24

22 But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
 23 Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—
 24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

 

 

 

Confirmed

How many times have I said "if only I could see a flashing neon sign!"  I'd know I was making the right decision.

Well this weekend we had a special stake conference and one of the members of the presidency of the seventy was chosen to speak to us. He chose to speak to us about pornography.  He shared that he was on an advisory council with the first presidency that reviewed letters from women who had been victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse stemming from pornography.  At one point President Hinckley said "stay away from this.  It DESTROYS families".  He talked about how pornography escalates and ends in infidelity.

He has reviewed THOUSANDS of cases and in EVERY one the abuser blamed it on the person they were abusing.

Nephi received divine confirmation to SEPARATE from his brothers for the safety of his family.

I might have received divine confirmation to SEPARATE from the abuser for my personal safety and the safety of my family.  If I wish to participate in ordinances I MUST forgive him.  (It may take time).

He was very clear.   Even though it seems unfair I must forgive him. BUT that doesn't mean I must trust him.  TRUST MUST BE EARNED.

If there ever was a blinking neon light this was it.  Every word out of his mouth, in the order it came out was the story of my marriage and my thought processes. Laid out in perfect order. 

Faith precedes the miracle. My father told me sometimes you have to make the decision and go with it and if it's wrong Heavenly Father will let you know.  It will quickly become obvious.  So I made my decision and acted and here is my miracle.