Jealous

"Well what did you think?" My sister asked her boyfriend who had just spent the weekend with our extended family after my brother returned from his mission.

"All you did was sing, pray, sing, read scriptures, and sing...and the teenagers were okay with that" he was still in shock. 

But that's my mom's side of the family.  We sing.  Growing up we would gather around the piano and sing while mom played the piano.  When we went to our grandparents the uncles would gather around the piano and sing while grandma played the piano.  A few years ago I was in Utah and it just happened to by my younger sister's birthday. A bunch of cousins who were attending BYU with her came over for cake.  We sang Happy Birthday in 4 part harmony.  It's a Multigenerational thing.

So when H-er sang to me on our first date I suppose that sealed my fate.  I loved that about him--that he loved to sing.  He sang all the time.  In the shower, in the car, and since I love to harmonize it was perfect.  There is something unifying and connecting about singing with others.  When you blend your voice with others in shared emotion you become more than yourself. 

And so later in our marriage when we were struggling and so disconnected from each other I hoped to reconnect with him using music.  I convinced him to to sing with me in Rob Gardner's choir.  He lasted through the first production but after that he was too far gone.  He wasn't interested. 

So I sang alone.

He didn't sing around the house anymore either.   He didn't sing to me.

Then one night we were invited to go to karaoke with another couple.  After he sang a woman came running up to him and begged him to sing with her. She didn't acknowledge me in any way and it never crossed H-er's mind to check with me.  He sang a duet with her while I watched awkwardly.  The couple with us were a bit embarrassed and unsure of how to respond.

When he ran off to Utah he rediscovered karaoke.  He participated in Applebee's Idol.  He was proud of how he had conquered his nerves and now enjoyed singing on a public stage. He met a lot of women doing karaoke.  When you are at a bar and you sing like a combination of John Denver, Garth Brooks, and Josh Groban combined the women throw themselves at you.

Just to convince you I'll illustrate with this little story.  I took him to one of my company's annual conferences.  The owner of our company always dreamed of being in a band so he would hire a band and the employees had the chance to sing live with the band at the party before the conference.  I waited until the very end and asked if my husband could sing a song.  He sang Unchained Melody and hit the high note perfectly. The band members all high-fived him and as he left the stage the comedian who had been hired to MC the event joked "if that guy isn't married he will be soon".

But it killed me. I wouldn't have minded sharing his voice if that was all I was sharing.  When he sang I could no longer look at him. I didn't want to hear him sing.  And I didn't want to sing with him in the car anymore.  The worst was when he came to pick up all his toys.  We went to Applebee's with his friend and he sang Faithfully by Journey.  I kept my head down the entire time.  I kept my head down as people came up afterwards and complimented him.  I couldn't look at him.  I was seething.

He had to pick that song?  The lying cheater had the nerve to sit there and sing "I'm forever yours, Faithfully"?

If he was in a church he might have been struck by lightening.

Now his singing is all tied up with his addiction. I can't separate the two. And so I won't sing with him anymore.  He doesn't get to share that part of me either.