Tragic

Tonight H-er's current mistress called me.  She claimed she was feeling guilty because they are still carrying on.  I don't know if she was expecting me to fall apart, start screaming, or what.   Her responses to my suggestions that she seek help were those of someone who had an agenda.  They didn't match her supposed need to unburden a guilty soul.   So when she hung up I confirmed with a second source that H-er had contact in the last week with her.   That was all I really needed to know. 

So I called him and told him that I was for sure proceeding with the divorce.  His response. "Well you were going to anyway"

No remorse when caught.  Just defiance.

I can now proceed without looking back.  Freedom.

Once the adrenaline wore off I felt the first wave of sadness.  Really it's tragic that his lies and addiction and absolute inability to get help is how this story ends.  That all of his texts are just new versions of him scrambling:

"could you please not divorce me. I am trying very hard.  Angel emoticon"

"the other stuff is gone and I never want it back"
"as co-parents I would like to go to counseling...I would like to be part of the solution going forward"
 "I especially want to stay close to you.   I know it looks bad, but my feelings for you have not changed at all."
"don't be cold-hearted to me...there is still a strong bond between us, just need to figure it out with a looming divorce"
"we still have a chance if I can unburden myself from this terrible addiction" 
"we are a family"
"I will be alone for a while and I will get help and become better"
"we need to talk.  I won't lie"

And then the spin begins:

"The thing you don't realize, is that the reason you are hearing from J is that I spurned her once and for all.  So it actually a good sign that she called you.  I have always chosen you over her and that is why she is so pissed. If she is honest she will tell you that I have always told her that I wanted to work things out with you.  She has always been there saying that she accepts me how I am with all my problems...it is very flattering, but it is not what I want.  She is not who I want.   I have been very hurt and very vulnerable and I finally got the courage to dispatch her once and for all.  Feel free to call her and verify anytime.  She will never be part of my life again."

Notice how he flares up when I don't buy it.

"I don't need your abuse anymore.  You gave up on us years ago when you didn't move up here even though you told me you would.  I don't have to answer to you anymore.  You've served me.  You've put me in my place.  And you have not respected me nor treated me like a human being for years.  I'm a human being.  And I am tired of your abuse.  I am fine with the divorce." 

Underneath all his protestations of love and recovery and sobriety lies the belief that if I had just loved him and respected him he would never have done any of this.  He truly believes I am the reason he acts out.  And he reinforces that belief every time he says, "If you would just say you will love me and give me another chance you will see a different person".   When he fails it can because I didn't love him enough. 

Here is tragedy.   God sent us to Nebraska where there was an incredible 12 step group and he dabbled.  God brought us to Arizona where he has had bishop after bishop who understood addiction and would have been a great support in love and he waffled.  Here in Arizona was a counselor who could have made incredible inroads in his trauma and addictive behaviors but he dabbled.  God sent us to a ward that had so many men who were not members or struggled and where he wouldn't feel like such an outcast but he refused to reach out.   He is a man drowning in the ocean surrounded by life vests that he refuses to grab ahold of.

It's absolutely tragic when his voice changes and he starts to cry and he says he has no friends.  He has lost all of his friends to this addiction.  And he says I am the only friend he has.  It's tragic because as I work through my recovery I can see that for so many years I've lost myself in his addiction.