Unforgiving

"What can he do so that you will forgive him?"

An important part of repentance is restitution. In the twelve step program step 8 is about making amends.   Sure we have to forgive someone who has hurt us but sometimes we need a little motivation.  Our counselor suggested that since he was willing, I should think of something he could do.  Obviously it would need to be something that I felt was equal to the pain.    So I thought about it. 

I know I've mentioned his toy collection before.  I shared how it surrounded me and ate at me.  It came to represent his addiction and how it had taken over my life.  So at our next session I had my task for him.  He had to get rid of them all.

You could see it on his face and in his body language.  This task was nigh impossible. But it fit the criteria.   "You didn't think I was going to ask you to clean the bathrooms and that would make up for years of infidelity did you?"

It didn't happen for about six months.  But one day he called and asked "what if I came and picked up all the toys?  I've convinced a friend to help me".  And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, he did take them all away.   And I stuck to my word.  I did forgive him.  I stopped holding on to those instances of infidelity.  This didn't mean I forgot.  I mean it still happened.  But the anguish and rage weren't there. 

However, another part of repentance is stopping. You are not supposed to continue in the sin.  He didn't stop. Now he says over and over that I need to forgive him.  That I am holding us back.  That I am acting out.  He'll do anything. Just tell him what to do and he'll do it.

But I don't know that there is anything he can do.   This is relapse after relapse after relapse. How many D-days do I have to go through?.  I can't live through another one.  I  am already on life support.  I am at the point where I have to leave because if I leave there will finally be no more D-days.

All of our conversations end with some version of "then you shouldn't have slept with so and so". It's the ultimate argument winner.   And I go there because he insists there is something I "need" to do as if he has any moral authority in this situation.  

That assumption of authority always triggers me.   Probably because he would always say "do your job.  It's your job to meet my needs. If you don't meet my needs then where am I supposed to get them met?  Am I just supposed to be celibate?  That's not fair."  This was his argument for why I should have sex with him.  And he would use this argument while he was sleeping with other women.

This is how he would take a truth "you should not use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners" (italics added) and twist it and use it so that the underlying moral premise of not withholding myself eats at me.

 

Here's what the prophets say.

Intellectually I know I need to forgive him.  It's a commandment.  Holding on to this anger and pain will just make me bitter.  It will hurt me more in the long run.  

But who said staying is the definition of forgiveness?  Show me where that is written.