Vindictive

I unblocked H-er on Facebook and changed my status to "end of relationship".  I knew he'd see it eventually.  I wanted to hurt him. 

He was still cheating, feeding me 12 step crap, promising he was trying.  He called and asked permission to go to a concert with a guy friend when really he was going with her.

Yes.  I wanted to hurt him.  I didn't expect people to like the status. And leave comments like they were a cheerleading section.

I was on the phone with him when he discovered it.  When he said "thanks for humiliating me in front of the world"

And I felt a rush of satisfaction.  Humiliation?  That's not even a taste of the humiliation I've lived with year after year.  His whole family, his whole circle of acquaintance knew and met her.  And smiled and lied to my face as if I wasn't the biggest fool in the world.

Year after year as people quietly and vocally looked at me in pity wondering why I stay.  Year after year I had to present pathetic defenses justifying my refusal to grow a pair.

Of course it was a vindictive white trash jerry springer move.  Now that he saw it I didn't mind making it private. It served it's purpose.  Of course who knows how many silently judged me.  Let them judge me.  20 years baby. 

I hope it hurts

*I don't feel this way now but I'm still posting this entry because it was how I felt when I wrote it.  searching and fearless moral inventory.....