Burdened

Apparently I'm not very happy.  My nieces and nephews have commented that their parents have told them about what I used to be like.  How I used to be happier.  H-er says I'm negative and always "horribilize".    He thinks I see thinks as worse than they are.  I of course think he minimizes.

I remember working in a warehouse one summer earning money for college.  One of the employees L stopped to ask me why I was always smiling.  He never smiled. He wanted to know what there was to be happy about.  I asked him to tell me his favorite childhood song and I would sing it to him.  He smiled and then grumbled as he walked away because he hadn't wanted to smile.

In my youthful naïveté I wasn't shy about sharing my beliefs.  Another worker C talked about how he and his girlfriend were moving in together for a trial period to see if it would "work out".  I thought that was dooming it to failure before it started.

Somehow it came out that I was saving myself for marriage.  B asked me one day "what will you do when you come home from work and find your husband in bed with your best friend?"

I cheekily answered "he'll be my best friend."

But even though it was cheeky I really did expect that my husband would be loyal to me. Never did I imagine that he'd be in 100's of beds while we were married. 

Later after I was married I worked in another industrial environment. We had a fun time teasing each other and made a game out of some curled ribbon.  It would turn up in random places and we'd laugh because the curly ribbon had struck again.  I'd open my desk drawer and it would be in a file.  Or a co-worker would open their lunch and there it was.  It might be found hanging from your rear view window at the end of the day or in the box that held your paper clips.   It was an office full of practical jokes like that. 

Yet two months after I discovered the affair with the 17 year old I laughed at something a co-worker said and they said off handedly "I never thought I'd see you smile again". I put on a pretty good face--at least in public. My kids have noticed and commented.  I have my phone voice. It's bright and smiley.  But as soon as I hang up it all drops away.   My countenance literally drops.

Acquaintances might say I am very positive about things.  In fact potential employees say "you have such a positive energy" or "I love your energy".  It's exhausting though.  I have nothing left when I come home. I don't want to feel beaten, defeated, heavy, weighed down, troubled, down trodden, crushed.

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Doesn't that sound heavenly?