Succored

"Please come home.  We need you".

 "I can't.  Maybe later this week" I said into the phone. I couldn't explain why even though my sister was begging me. 

Later I heard how my sisters had watched during the eternity it took my brothers to carry my mother from the car up to her room and lay her in bed.  I heard how my sister had struggled to sponge bathe my mom and change her diaper because she couldn't control her bowels anymore.  I heard how they sat around and discussed taking her to the hospital and she made sounds of protest which meant that even though she couldn't speak she could understand them.  

My mother had breast cancer.  She had left three weeks prior to go to the Hippocrates Institute in Florida to get better. But really she went there to die. At the end of July she was hiking through the mountains with us at a family reunion, obviously hiding the pain she was in. In August she recovered a couch in the living room because it needed it and drove up to visit and go to the temple with me in Lincoln. Labor Day weekend all her brothers came to visit and she received a blessing from all of them.  She was told that she had been faithful and need not fear. By the middle of September we were packing a suitcase and my sister helped her with her hair because she was too tired to hold her arms up. And that was the last time I saw her.  She left the next day for Florida with my dad. 

Thursday October 9 she called me from Florida.  It was a short conversation.  Just the weekend before she had made it to one session of general conference at the local church building with my dad. They were married on April 5th and had attended a session of general conference that honeymoon weekend just a few days into their marriage. They had come full circle. On the phone she just wanted to tell me she loved me. I sat on the bottom of the bunk bed in my kids room and silently cried because I knew.   I knew she was saying goodbye.  That was the last time I spoke to her.  

Saturday they left early to come home and she had a heart attack on the plane.  When they landed in Atlanta she was taken to the hospital where she asked my dad if she was having a baby. She's had 11 children and a few miscarriages so her confusion was understandable.  That was the only reason she'd ever been in the hospital. 

The doctors wouldn't clear her to fly so my dad rented a car and laid her in the back.  Then he drove from Atlanta to Kansas City to bring her home.  I don't know when she had the stroke. But by the time she made it home she couldn't communicate verbally anymore and was unable to take care of herself.  

I wanted to be there.  I only lived three hours away.  But what my family didn't know was that Sunday night was my husband's disciplinary council.  I had to make a choice.  Be there for my family or be there for my husband.  I chose my husband. 

So here it was.  Monday morning and my sister was begging me to come home. I couldn't.  I just needed another day.  My husband had been excommunicated.  I just needed one more day. 

Tuesday October 14, early, the phone rang.  We weren't up yet.  I knew before I answered.  It was my brother in law.  My mother was gone. 

We took our time packing and drove down from Lincoln. We arrived in time for an afternoon planning session.  The next few days were filled with preparations.  There was lots to be done.  And every night my husband wanted sex.  He also complained that he had to watch the kids.  He also wanted to know when I was going to type his paper for school.  It was due on Friday.  At the viewing on Friday night I hugged friends and made them laugh and they said things like "you aren't supposed to be comforting me I'm supposed to be comforting you."  As I walked over to the school park with my six year old sister and my mother's heavily pregnant only sister she said "I'm worried about you. You don't seem to be grieving."   I knew that would come later. I needed to get through this week. 

As the oldest I was given the opportunity to speak at the funeral.  I spoke about my mothers faith. I spoke about the striping warriors and how they were valiant. (That was the last scripture she had shared with me before she left and she was concerned about her children).  I spoke about my mother and how she had been valiant until the end.  I hope I conveyed what a wonderful faithful person she was. 

After the funeral and the lunch for the family we went back to the house and my uncles shared some stories about my mom that made us laugh.  I had to leave to take An Heritage #1 to the airport so he could go back to his home in Yuma. On the way home from the airport my husband complained about being with my family and wanted to know why we couldn't just go home.  

"Your mother is dead. Get over it."

On Sunday the Relief Society lesson was on trials.  The poor teacher had to hand out notecards to all of us and asked. "Write down a trial you are currently going through"

Savagely I wrote "MY MOTHER IS DEAD!!!"

"Now turn it over and write one blessing you have received from this trial" 

Have you seen Money Pit?  You know the scene where the bathtub falls through the floor?

 

After my moment of dark humor passed I stared at that card and then managed to write "now I'll have to learn to rely on my Savior instead of my mom". 

It was a few months later on a miserable Sunday in February. I thought church might have been canceled because of the Nasty ice storm.  The only reason we went was because I was the music coordinator and because there was zero musical talent in our ward so I had asked my teenage brother and sister to come perform in Sacrament Meeting.   My sister accompanied my brother as he sang "My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee" from Rob Gardner's Joseph Smith. 

As the words washed over me I recalled the flower the relief society president had brought to me one day.  The unsigned card I got in the mail from someone telling me how every time they saw me at church my smile warmed them.  The gift card to Olive Garden, my favorite restaurant, another sister had sent me. And the memory of sitting in the temple that weekend with my dad after doing an endowment and looking at the family name and seeing that date in August.   The last time I had done initiatories.   With my mother.   In the temple. 

Yes indeed.  With everlasting kindness He has succored me.  With mercy He has taken me beneath His wing.  He can and will heal me. He is with me and He will not leave me. 

 

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Text and Music by Rob Gardner

For a little while
Have I forsaken thee;
But with great mercies will I gather thee.
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee
For a moment. 

But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings,
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

Though thine afflictions seem
At times too great to bear,
I know thine every thought and every care.
And though the very jaws
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee. 

And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee,
And with healing will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
Though the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
Know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

How long can rolling waters
Remain impure?
What pow'r shall stay the hand of God?
The Son of Man hath descended below all things.
Art thou greater than He? 

So hold on thy way,
For I shall be with thee.
And mine angels shall encircle thee.
Doubt not what thou knowest,
Fear not man, for he
Cannot hurt thee. 

And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee,
And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings.
For the mountains shall depart,
And the hills shall be removed,
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea,
But know, my child,
My kindness shall not depart from thee!