Desperate

Co-dependent.

I'm needing a fix.  I'm starting to experience the beginning of withdrawal.  This is where I start white knuckling it. 

I haven't talked to H-er since a brief conversation this morning. 

I haven't had the rush of knowing I'm in control.  That I have the upper hand.  He is the one in a place of desperation.  Begging me not to leave.  Searching for ways to make me stay.  Looking for ways to contort and conform.

All those years I felt desperate.  I was frantic to find some way to hold him.  I had to do something to keep his interest. 

I forgave him and allowed him to return. I went online to find a way to connect by getting information about Star Wars and toys.  I shamed him.  I watched porn with him.  I joined him in debauchery with the Bs as we danced and drank and strip clubbed through Vegas. I followed him to Lincoln where I dragged him to 12 step and threatened and coerced him to come home from school.  Then followed him again to Arizona where I threw counseling at him.  I pushed him away and leveled ultimatums and picked up the pieces and marched him back home.  And finally I filed for divorce.

Is this my ultimate desperate act?

"They are unselfish, virtuous, martyr-like, faithful, and turn the other cheek despite personal humiliation."  How many times has my counselor said I have put up with more than any other person she has ever known. 

"their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante." He said to me that he needs me to save him.

"subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,"  year after year.

I am okay being alone.