Depressed

It's Saturday and there are no merit badge clinics, no football games, no family coming into town, no travel plans, no weddings to help decorate.  In short nothing that requires me to get out of bed.

So I don't.

By 1pm the boys come in periodically. "Mom get out of bed" and I answer "I will in a little while". A little while later is 5pm because while they are old enough to make their own cereal and their own sandwiches and even brownies, dinner is beyond them yet.

So I go through a drive thru and get an extra Styrofoam container because one of them needs it for art at school on Monday.

I plop it all down on the table and head back to my room--past the dirty dishes, messy rooms, dirty bathrooms, piles of laundry (I'll start a small load with just enough clothes for school and work for Monday sometime before midnight) and climb back in bed.  I put a pillow over my head and cry myself back to sleep.

I haven't had a day like this since after I found about about the last affair.  I didn't touch anything in my house for over a week (and still let my visiting teachers in because really why hide it? I've finally figured out the futility of secrets).

By Monday I'll be back to dragging myself out of bed and being a mom but for now dinner (such as it is) is all I'm capable of.  I know I'm failing my children today but I just can't do more today.