Helpless

It's been a while since I've had a nightmare like that.  

I used to have them all the time.  H-er would be in a car accident and be paralyzed and I'd find out he was in another relationship.  There would be a power struggle between me and the other woman.  Who would get to take care of him?  Who would he choose?  The emotion was always real even if the dream wasn't.

I hated the ones where I was helpless.  Where I would try to hit my attacker or H-er and I just couldn't get any power behind my punches.  I'd put every ounce of concentration and effort into a punch it would be as if my arm was made of a feather.  How can a feather pack a punch?  How can I defend myself?  How can I make him feel my pain?  I can't.

I hate the terror.  Where I am frozen in fear and if I could just scream I could move.  The scream would break my paralysis and I would be able to wake up.  It's as if I am aware that I am asleep and if I could just bring myself to full consciousness then I would be safe.  So I gather all my energy and prepare to release an ear piercing shriek.   It is an entire body effort and I break into wakefulness with the merest moan.  So much for the banshee wail...

Last night I experienced the helplessness.  In my dream I wanted to order shots of alcohol. But the bartender kept messing up my order (too few, wrong sizes, wrong alcohol).  I didn't even know if my guests were still at the table.  I'd been gone for an hour trying to get drinks.  My frustration and frantic helplessness grew. In a final act of desperation I tried to grab the tequila to just do it myself and the waiter ended up pouring it all down the front of me.  In the end I failed. 

As I drove home in despair I was pulled over and forced to do a field sobriety test (passed) and breathalyzer (passed) but before I could be vindicated the building behind me blew up.  Of course the officer released me because the building took precedence. 

The knock on my door reveals the same officer coming to tell me that my husband is deceased.  He'd blown up in the building.  The coincidence dawned on the officer and like a fool the first words out of my mouth are "did you identify the woman he was with". Of course the officer never said there were any other victims.  Only a guilty person or person involved would know he'd been with someone else and that it had been a woman. (It was J-his current mistress).   Any explanation that he was a chronic cheater only confirms my motive.

I don't know why I had a nightmare like this after so long.

I do know that I feel a bit of a power struggle with J.  I make certain posts public so that even though we aren't friends she can see them.  And she periodically posts a different picture of H-er and her together with arms around each other.  It's public so I can see.  I want her to see pictures of me and feel insecure.  I want her to compare and feel less intelligent, less successful, older, fatter, uglier, less interesting, less serene.

Because then I feel less helpless?