Resentful

Addiction sure brings out the worst in me.

I remember the rage that swept over me when we were sitting in front of the counselor and H-er explained that he had called his former mistress because he wanted to make sure she had closure.  He found out she was having a difficult time because she thought that she was still in love with H-er.  He wanted to “come clean” to her about his marriage and lies so that she could stop waffling and move on with her life.   Doing this would relieve him of some of his guilt as well. 

Now I kind of laugh at it because it shows the completely twisted way that an addict thinks.  

The first wave of rage was because he was more concerned with her mental state than mine.   But the second wave that hit me almost immediately after the first was because of the realization that his family was complicit in all of this.  He had introduced her to his father and his sister and they were all friends on facebook.  While I was sitting in my father-in-law's house laughing and talking and eating he was hiding the fact that she had been at his house laughing and talking and eating just a few days before. 

I ended up sending my father in law the following text:

“I feel very hurt that you allowed M into your house.  I’m very humiliated knowing that I spend Christmas at your house while you and H-er and his sister kept this affair secret.  I don’t think I’ll be comfortable being around you or his sister in the future.”

His response:  “I’m sorry you feel that way.  I think we can see how things work later.”

This was in April.

He’s been in the hospital since then and this last weekend he passed away.  I’m including this in my 4^th step because I don’t really want to go to the funeral.  I don’t want to go to the funeral for a man who was an alcoholic that would call up his son and say “let’s go fishing”, and that son would sit on the corner for hours with his fishing gear waiting for his dad to show up,  and he wouldn’t show up because he was sitting at the bar drinking.   I don’t want to go to the funeral for a man who never paid child support.  I don’t want to go to the funeral for a man who didn’t have the courage to tell his son not to bring his mistress to his house.  I don’t want to go to a funeral for a man who shrugged off an apology.

But I’m going to go because when I married H-er his dad had finally decided to be part of his life.  So my children knew him.  He used to burn DVD’s for them and send them to us for the kids to watch.  He would invite them over for barbeques and to help water his garden.  He sent them birthday cards and money every year and also sent them Christmas money.  He proudly displayed their pictures and sent a GPS for An Heritage #1 on his mission.  He paid tuition for An Heritage #2.  So as a grandfather he left his mark.  Such that An Heritage #2 started crying when I told her his kidneys were failing and he wouldn’t live more than 24 hours. 

So even though I don’t want to drive all night (11 hours) to be there, my children need to be there because he was their grandfather. 

In the meantime I have to add these feelings toward my father- in-law to my inventory:
Resentful
Unfriendly
Bitter
Unforgiving
Unsympathetic
Hard-hearted
Irritated