Traumatized

DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

It screams at you. In your mind it is clear.  You can see the danger and the destruction.   You know where safety is and all you want is to convince them to stop.  To come to safety.  They can't really want this self-destruction. 

That surge of adrenaline that is your body's way of preparing you and giving you that energy and strength to fight.  Only there is nothing to fight. Nothing to spend that on.  That absolute feeling of helplessness and powerlessness.

The urge to scream and kick and tear and throw things as if that will affect anything.  Only because it is something you CAN do.  Because you can do nothing else. 

You can't stop their destructive behavior.  You can't even get them on the phone to try to convince them to stop. How can you persuade them to stop if you can't even reach them? 

*****

The agony and insanity of it.  Sleep is impossible. Even though you know that you will pay for it all the next day at work it is impossible.   Anxiety gnaws at my belly and if I try to lie down it just roils and churns until I find myself rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

My heart pounds as if it is trying to escape my chest and thoughts chase each other in circles around my mind. I wrestle with anger because I know it's just a secondary emotion and underneath it if I could only face the fear and panic then maybe I could calm down.  I am being threatened.  My world, my hopes, my very reason for living.   It is all threatened.  And I want to fight for it with everything I have and I can't.  I am effectively bound and gagged and at the mercy of this threat.

*****

I return to my journal again and again drawing out my thoughts and emotions--demanding that they come out of the dark and into the light where they can be faced. 

And only then do I remember the words of a past therapist regarding fear.  "What's the worst he can do?"

And I named it. 

And he responded, "so what? If it happens you will have your chance to go to the Savior and demand justice."

And there it is.  Perspective.

Fear is ridiculous.  Panic is ridiculous. I am not in charge.  God is.  Do I trust Him or not?

So I’m on board mentally.  It’s just taking a while for my body to catch up. 

Can I get some sleep now?