Introspective

Control

I don't even know if that's the word.  Is that the opposite of free agency? 

One of my ARP sisters said she didn't understand why our trials have to keep coming and why they have to be so painful.  She just knew she has to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting.  It just would be nice to understand WHY.

That struck me because as I have done my fourth step I have come to recognize something about myself.  I understand WHY my trials are so painful.  I even think I know what I am supposed to learn from them.  At least one of the things anyway.

I want my children and spouse to do things the right way.  The least painful way.  I want them to do this to the point where I am willing to take away their free agency.  At times I have used manipulation, threats, withholding, bribing, etc (what mother hasn't).  But this is wrong.

I am not beating myself up over it.  I am just acknowledging it.  I think I even have good intentions. This is how they can be happy and I just want them to be happy.  But it's still wrong even if my intentions are good. 

If exaltation is the goal here which comes with eternal increase then someday I'm going to have spirit children with free agency.  I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.  That's WHY I have the trials i do.   To figure out how to let others have their agency. And the reason WHY I am suffering so much in these trials is because I'm trying to CONTROL everyone around me.   And who better to help me than Heavenly Father and the Savior who said "free agency all the way" and STICKS BY IT although I frequently beg them not to.

Letting go of that control won't take away all the pain of course.  Because the original trial is still there. But let's face it.  A lot of my pain is self inflicted. Somehow these trials are going to teach me how to let others have agency.  The more I fight learning that lesson the more painful it is going to be.

How's that for a paradox? There is power in admitting powerlessness. There is freedom in restraint.