Savage

I was reading This interesting article and the following paragraph jumped out at me. 

In short, on one level it's illogical that you'd verbally attack the person you're most devoted to. But on another, it's altogether logical that you might get angry to increase your emotional distance when their behavior (however subliminally) suggests their ability to hurt you.

My husband has abandoned me in EVERY way.  So now every time I perceive another possible abandonment I explode.  See example from my journaling about an incident this month:

 

“I put my heart in your hands and I go without love and I go without admiration and I go without respect and I go for so long and then I think well I have to get it from somewhere”. 

“if you had just been nice to me and treated me well I would have been faithful.   I know this because she treated me nice and I was faithful to her”

I cannot tell you how much these comments ENRAGE me. 

 

Wait, let me get this straight.  You were having sex with both me and your mistress yet you were being “faithful” to her?  Classic example of the complete and utter ridiculous logic of a sex addict. 

I find myself hitting the side of the building as hard as I can with a branch, punctuating each hate in  “I hate you for avoiding your financial responsibilities.   I hate you. I hate you. I hate you”. 

Why is this rage tearing out of me?  Because he stopped the automatic payment that comes monthly that is supposed to be mine to pay bills.  Because I served him.   He wasn’t sure what was going to happen so he stopped it.  And then he kept asking me if it came like he hadn't stopped it.  Once again he is trying to get out of his financial responsibility to his CHILDREN and to me. 

For years he has been underemployed and kept his money separate and I have to beg and argue and scream and plead for money.  He’ll run off to the casino for a weekend with his mistress and blow 1000 but he has to go over my budget with a fine tooth comb and try to justify not giving me money.  And now because I am divorcing him he thinks he doesn’t have to support his children?

He has a freaking Master’s Degree and I didn’t finish college.  The MAN is supposed to be the financial provider and the WOMAN is supposed to stay at home and raise and teach the children.  Instead I have left the home and abandoned my children and left them unprotected because I HAVE TO BE THE BREADWINNER.   I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM.

“I’ve never not met my financial responsibilities”  He says. 

He forgets that I was there when he tried to get out of paying his child support to his ex-wife.  When he complained.  When he said he wouldn’t contribute to his braces.  I was there when he said to ME “I’m not going to pay the house payment anymore” and we lost the house because I couldn’t afford it on my income alone.  I was there when he did inappropriate things that caused him to lose his employment.  I was there when I had to leave the home and get a job BECAUSE HE COULDN’T MEET HIS FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY OF SUPPORTING OUR FAMILY.   

“it’s all about the money.  You told me that was all you cared about”

Hell yeah.  It wasn’t about fidelity.  It wasn’t about shared commitment.  It wasn’t about loyalty.  It wasn’t about going to the temple.  It wasn’t about emotional or spiritual support.  It wasn’t about shared parenting.  NONE OF THAT WAS HAPPENING OR GOING TO HAPPEN.  The only part of our marriage left was the financial responsibility.   It was all I had left to hold on to.  I told myself “as long as he provides for us I can let ALL the rest go.  That’s reason enough to stay”. 

I lowered the bar, and lowered it, and lowered it, until it was barely above the ground.

Take the money away and there is NOTHING left. 

 

Now back to the article and the last paragraph: 

The end result of such unfortunate self-conditioning is that unless you're able to discover the true source of your dysfunctional behavior…you'll never be able to fully outgrow it.

So here’s to recognizing my dysfunctional attempts to protect myself from abandonment in any of its forms.