Valued

I’ve discussed with my counselor that I am addicted to the relationship with H-er.  How do I know this?  Last night I typed all of this out instead of calling H-er. (I’m posting it in its rawness with typos and everything)

I haven't heard from him since Thursday.  Well he texted briefly during the game and Saturday might he called. I answered his few questions in monosyllables and when he said he was going to look at airfare I asked where he was going to stay. He said "I thought we were going to work in things". I said "no" so he said ok goodbye.

I haven't heard from him since.  It's officially been 48 hours. 
That only happens when he's at a casino or with another woman. 
So of course I broke down and called m who said he's been home all weekend. 
But the co-dependency is nipping at my heels.  I'm basically white knuckling it.  I could legitimately call him to chew him out for not calling on his sons birthday.  But I know that would be a cop out excuse. 
I reread my journal from when we were dating and I was guilty of taking his calls and returning them. 
It's been a peaceful few days.  No more pacing the halls at work or scraping my throat raw in anger.
So I have to stay firm.  I can't give into the co-dependency.  If it's over then it's over.  This is my future.  It's none of my business where he is or who he is with.

Let it go...

One of the signs of being a love addict or in an addictive relationship is that you panic and start reaching out because you are triggered by being alone, feeling unlovable.  I can read between the lines there and see the panic and the need for a fix. (the fix being any connection--even if it’s negative with H-er).  I have to learn what love looks like.  I found this tip: "real love doesn’t hurt. Real love makes you feel valued, cared for and stronger about yourself. Perhaps you don’t recognize real love, or it feels uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just unfamiliar. Back away from pain and give yourself a chance to heal and learn how to identify real love."

So when I look back over the last 72 hours I do have an example.  You see my dad came to visit.  And while he was here he woke up every morning at the same time I did.  When I said I needed to clean out my garage he came out and helped me move boxes around and throw things away.  He helped me do the dishes multiple times.  He took his turn saying family prayer and prayed for each of us.  On Sunday he was the first one ready for church and after church he called a family council and bore his testimony.  He talked with my troubled teenager and told her that she was special and loved.  He pointed out some of my good qualities.  And Monday he waited to leave until everyone had gotten off to school so that he could give them one last goodbye hug even though that put him in rush hour traffic.  He left me feeling valued, cared for, and stronger about myself.