Triggered

Triggered.

I was saving that emotion for a humdinger.  Well I had my humdinger.

It happened because an heritage #2 didn't come home until 1:45 am. I couldn't reach her because her phone was dead.  The rule is she has to be home by midnight and she has to stay in touch.  

When she walked in I was sitting on the couch and all I did was ask her for the keys.  She immediately started in with explanations. I interrupted her and said I didn't want to hear them.  She knew the rule and I didn't want to hear any excuses.  I even childishly plugged my ears.  She proceeded to start to tell me a story.

And like that I was triggered.   A colossal wrestling match ensued as I informed her that she was out of the house since she couldn't follow the rules and I tried to take away her cell phone (that we pay for). 

She won the wrestling match (but not until she did some fancy wrestling tricks with her legs--ah to be a teenager and flexible) and then told me she was leaving and I'd never see her again.

I was absolutely in the wrong and out of control.  The trigger was the story.  I don't know how many times I've heard H-er come up with a story to justify his actions and addiction.  There's always an excuse, a justification, a story. Her attempt to tell me a story sent me careening wildly over the edge.  I went from calm and sane to crazy.  When you are crazy you can't think rationally.  That's why it's called crazy.

So now I'm left with the horrible aftermath of crazy.  It's ugly.  I didn't sleep at all stressing about where she was.  Feeling all the shame of being a horrible mother.  Of being out of control.  Of ruining our relationship. I can't stop crying.  I hate being blindsided by these triggers.  It was 2am.  I should have been safely asleep.  This is MY HOUSE. I don't want to be triggered in MY HOUSE.  This is supposed to be my safe place.

And the worst part is I know there are going to be more.  And I can't do a darn thing about them.  I can't prevent them.  I do not want this!!!!